Better Than Tears (sweeter than sleep)

I tell you something

"Jungkook-ah."

"Mm?" Jungkook murmured, staring hard at the piece of paper in front of him.

"Jungkook, what are you doing?"

Jungkook hummed under his breath, concentrating.

"Jungkook-ah, can you look at me, please?"

Jungkook finally looked up from the paper and met Jimin's gaze.

"What are you doing?"

"Thinking." That was a lie. He was being very careful to not think. The very idea of thinking putting him on edge and all because of a stupid piece of paper. Jungkook felt stupid. Blank paper always wanted him to draw on it, but he knew that there was no use in trying. Nothing good ever came out of it. He only ever got back the depths of his soul: chaotic, broken and miserable. It would be a shame to wreck the lovely blankness with terrible scribbles. He couldn't do it.

Jimin raised an eyebrow. "I gave you that paper half an hour ago. What's wrong?"

"I don't like drawing."

"I suggested that you write down some words that come to mind when you have a panic attack."

"I don't like drawing."

"You don't have to draw. You can just write."

Jungkook dropped his eyes and stared at the blankness on the table. "I used to draw when I was younger. I didn't have a place to put my thoughts. There was no one I could talk to. So I would draw them out. But there wasn't anything, I mean, there was no flow or meaning or pattern. It was just chaos. It was scary."

"I'm not asking you to draw anything, Jungkook."

"Look at this. It's so clean, so perfect. If I try and draw on it, I'll just mess it up."

"Then don't draw. Write. It's like taking notes. Notes on yourself."

"I still have some of my drawings. They're hidden under my bed at the dorm. I should throw them out, but I don't want to see them again."

Two hands seized hold of his head and brought around to face Jimin. Jungkook closed his mouth before saying the last words he'd been thinking of. He couldn't look away, not when Jimin was looking at him like that. Although initially filled with guilt whenever Jimin gave him that certain expression, the one overflowing with affection and concern, Jungkook now felt safe and comforted to know that he didn't need to worry that he'd be abandoned. Jimin wouldn't be scared off by Jungkook's ramblings or his fear of drawing.

"You're not listening to me," Jimin chided, his voice smooth as velvet and twice as soft. "Did I ask you to draw anything, Jungkook?"

Jungkook tried to look away but Jimin's hands held his head firmly. "No," he mumbled.

One corner of Jimin's mouth curved upward slightly. "What did I ask you to do?"

"Write words that describe a panic attack."

"No."

"Write words that feel like a panic attack."

"No," Jimin said again, looking almost amused.

Jungkook's mouth jerked to the side a little as he fought with his tongue to get the right words out in the right order. "You asked me to write down words that come to mind when I'm having a panic attack. Thoughts. Feelings. To see if I know my own mind? For you to see my own mind," he amended. "Right?"

"Right." Jimin let go of Jungkook's head and ruffled his hair. "If I know what's going on in your head, I can better help you when it happens."

"You help by holding me." Jungkook mumbled again, coughing slightly.