Better Than Tears (sweeter than sleep)

I wanna hold your hand

Yoongi didn't talk at all after coming back from the store.

It was unnerving.

Taehyung talked just as much as he usually did and Jimin didn't seem to think anything was off, so Jungkook had to assume that this was a normal occurrence and he didn't need to be concerned.

He was anyway, of course.

Just because he knew he didn't need to do something didn't mean he didn't actually do it. Yoongi was silent but showing no signs of discomfort, Jimin was responding to Taehyung's comments in that patient, measured way of his and Jungkook knew he did not need to worry or feel like the odd man out or feel prickly anxiety creep down his spine.

But he did anyway, because he had nowhere near conquered the actions of his body being contrary to what he mind was thinking. So even as he put the food away with the rest and forced half-quirking smiles to his lips, Jungkook felt his bones start to ache and his skin itch and he wished someone would just tell him why Yoongi wasn't talking so he could hurry up and calm down.

Jimin had told him several times that he was allowed and perfectly capable of asking questions or requests. However, since Jimin was really good at noticing when something was bothering Jungkook, he'd not really had to ask many questions. He just answered them. But for whatever reason, Jimin wasn't noticing this time and Jungkook would have to ask if he wanted an answer.

Nobody was talking about why Yoongi wasn't talking and Jungkook swallowed and started to work up the courage to ask the simple question, "Why isn't Yoongi-hyung talking?"

Nothing came out of his mouth, even though he opened it so they could. Jungkook ducked his head and pinched the skin on his wrists slyly in reprimand. He could do this. It was just a question. Yoongi wasn't even in the kitchen anymore and neither was Taehyung. It was just him and Jimin with no audience to freak him out. Jungkook hated how irrational his responses to life were. This should not be scary.

Jungkook pinched himself one last time and tapped Jimin on the shoulder. "Hyung?" His voice was so small. Why was it so small? It was just Jimin.

"Yes?" Jimin was running a cloth down the counters, not currently facing Jungkook. Was that better or worse?

"Yoongi-hyung..."

"What about him?" There was an odd lilt to Jimin's voice and Jungkook couldn't decide if he sounded curious or wary.

"He stopped talking?" Jungkook frowned. He always resorted to phrasing things like questions when he was feeling more timid. "He's not talking."

Jimin shrugged and dried his hands on a towel. "Yoongi doesn't talk much as a rule. When he's in the mood, he does. When he's not, he doesn't. He rarely speaks when his parents are around because they don't get along. When he's here he says he feels more freedom so he talks more. But his nature is more of the quiet sort, so don't worry if suddenly he's completely silent." Jimin looked up a little to meet Jungkook's eyes.

"Oh." Jungkook expelled a breath, trying to force his anxiety out with the air. Couldn't he have figured that out? After all, he did the same thing himself. Sometimes he felt like talking with Taehyung and sometimes he just wanted to lean on his shoulder and not say anything at all. It shouldn't be a surprise that Yoongi would have his silent times too.

"What you feeling?" Jimin was back to normal, warm and reassuring. Jungkook couldn't actually be certain that he hadn't been before. He was exceptionally good at imagining things. Perhaps Jimin had always been warm and he was just creating scenarios, like being anxious about Yoongi not talking even though it wasn't a scary thing.

"Uncomfortable." Jungkook reached for his wrist without thinking and Jimin reacted immediately, grabbing his hands and keeping them away from each other.

"Hey, no, don't do that. Jungkook. Do not ever hurt yourself, no matter the reason."

"I didn't mean to."

Jimin's eyes were soft but his words were firm. "But you were still gonna do it. Look at your wrist. When did you do this?"

"Just now."

"Why?" Sometimes Jimin's patience was a burden, but the good kind, encouraging Jungkook to be better. Jimin didn't always have the answers but he could help Jungkook to discover them.

"I was focusing?" Jungkook cringed at the feeble excuse. "I was upset that I couldn't ask a question, so I did that."

"You tell me if you're feeling like this, Jungkook. If you're going to pinch or scratch, do it to me."

Jungkook felt horror climb up his throat past the anxiety. "No! I can't do that!"

"But you can do it to yourself?" Jimin had to look up slightly to meet Jungkook's eyes, but the latter always felt like he was the smaller one. He definitely felt like the smaller one just now.

"I-" Jungkook wrapped his fingers around Jimin's, holding onto the warmth and strength. "Yes, but I shouldn't. I-I should respect myself? It doesn't help anything. If I shouldn't do it to you, then I shouldn't do it to me, right?"

Jimin sighed and then pulled Jungkook into a hug. Jungkook breathed in Jimin's citrus-cinnamon scent. "Kid, you kill me sometimes. What am I going to do with you? Ah, I just want to wrap you up and never let you go."

Jungkook smiled slightly despite himself. "I'm fine with that."

Jimin chuckled, breaking the solemn air of the room. "It's not that easy."

"Why can't it be?" Jungkook said petulantly.

"It's the way the world works, baby. None of us get it easy. But we do get each other to lean on if we need it."

"I'll lean on you next time," Jungkook promised, anticipating Jimin's next request. He pulled back.

"You're not dead weight to me, Jungkook-ah. You're my friend."

"I know." Jungkook mustered up a real smile. "I forget, but I know."

Jimin smiled too. "Good."

--

"We haven't had a serious talk all weekend, Kookie."

Jungkook gulped without meaning to, glancing to the side as Taehyung's voice broke through the silence and sound of feet crunching in snow. It had been a snowy winter thus far. Jungkook really disliked snow, but Taehyung seemed to enjoy it, and the sight of Taehyung's childlike smile filled Jungkook with affection and delight, so he put aside his differences with the white stuff to go on a walk with his friend.

"I mean, there was that scary one with Yoongi where I was afraid you were gonna break down, but you didn't," Taehyung nuzzled Jungkook's hat-covered hair with his nose briefly, "and I'm so proud of you for talking about your past like that. It was really brave. But I mean, just you and me. We haven't had a good talk in a while. You never text me about your problems anymore and I know it's not because you don't have any."

Jungkook kicked a pebble with tired angst.

"I'm not offended or sad about that. You don't have to tell me things if you don't want to, but I would like you to want to. I care about you just like Jiminnie does, and I was hoping you could update me on where you are."

"Doesn't Jimin-hyung tell you about my progress?" Or lack thereof, Jungkook couldn't help but think.

"He does," Taehyung acknowledged, swinging their clasped hands back and forth. "Still. I'd like to hear from you. If that's okay."

"It's okay," Jungkook blurted out before he really thought about it. He had been realizing just how eager he was to please those around him and it was a hard step back to really think for himself and decide whether he actually wanted to do what pleased his friends. Jungkook didn't know what exactly to tell Taehyung, so he waited for questions that he could answer.