Better Than Tears (sweeter than sleep)

Never leave me alone

Jungkook felt afraid even before he was fully awake, moving his body on the bed to check if Jimin was still there.

He wasn't.

That probably meant that Jimin simply wasn't cuddling him anymore, not that he was gone from existence, but probabilities didn't mean all that much to Jungkook.

So, even before his eyes had adjusted to the dim lighting of his dorm room, Jungkook had started crying.

Jimin wasn't there, wasn't right there, assuring him that he wasn't along in the world and that he was okay and Jungkook could barely remember all the wonderful and reassuring things that Jimin had said just before his nap. He tried to remember them in between huge breaths, gulping at the air while he scoured his mind to find the words that meant so much to him.

That meant everything.

Jimin was there for him, Jimin had found him, Jimin would be his strength.

He was so pathetic, wasn't he? Jungkook knew he was pathetic. It had been easy to adjust to leaning on Jimin for everything. Jungkook had been shouldering all his own burdens for years, but Jimin was happy to share them, and Jungkook was more than willing to give them up. Somehow, though, he was able to become completely dependent on Jimin whilst also still bearing all his anxieties and fears.

He was held up and fallen over, comforted and scared, hopeful and desperately depressed all at the same time. It didn't make any sense, but Jungkook had long since stopped trying to make sense of himself. What he found only scared him more. All the pieces of himself were scattered everywhere and he had no idea how to put them back together, if they even could be put back together. So he didn't look.

A sharp scent entered his nose. He opened his eyes to see blood on his pillow, the result of once again biting his lip too hard. Jungkook sobbed harder. He couldn't even stop this one thing. How was he ever going to-

"Jungkook! Jungkook, what's wrong? Did you have a bad dream? You're shaking and oh, no, Jungkook-ah, not again..." Jimin trailed off, holding Jungkook's wet cheeks in his hands. "Baby, why? Did you have a panic attack?"

Nodding, Jungkook reached his arms out. Jimin smiled a sad sort of smile but sat down on the bed to hug him properly. Jungkook buried his face in Jimin's shirt.

"Can you tell me what happened, please?"

"I had a panic attack," Jungkook said to Jimin's shoulder.

"Why?"

"I woke up and you weren't, you weren't there and I couldn't think normal, I mean, that you weren't like, gone away, but I felt like you were, so I cried."

Jimin was quiet and Jungkook didn't say anything either.

"Do you think that I'm going to go away?"

"I don't think that, I just feel that," Jungkook tried to explain, still gripping Jimin's shirt in his hands. "It's like I don't know how to be okay without you anymore."

"That's a problem."

"Why?" Jungkook could feel panic rising up in him again, worried that Jimin might actually want to go away even though he knew, he trusted, he knew that he wasn't going to.

"Because," Jimin murmured, "You used to be okay, or at least, you used to function well enough to get along. I wonder if you've gone backwards."

"No, no," Jungkook had to make Jimin understand. "I wasn't getting along. This is how I was without you. I cried almost everyday, because that was all I had. I had nothing, but now I have you, because you said that I have you, so I want that, I want you. Because you're everything that I didn't have, hyung." He sat up slowly and looked into Jimin's eyes.

"You're everything. You're shoulders and hands. You're warm smiles and hugs. You're something to look forward to and something to hold onto. You're better than tears. I wasn't okay at all, before. I used to think I was okay, but you showed me that okay is something else entirely. I'm not okay. I'm not. But you're gonna make it be okay. Right?"

Jimin raised on hand to brush the last remnant of tears from Jungkook's cheeks, fingers lingering and head tilted to the side, all the fondness that Jungkook had grown used to pooling in his irises. "There's a lot more than me, Jungkook-ah. A lot. I'm only one person. I'm going to show you that everything is so much more than just my smiles or my hugs."

"You're so much," Jungkook whispered. "So, if you're going to show me even more than that, I...I can't even begin to imagine it. I'm barely holding onto believing in okay. But if you want to teach me more, I want to learn, hyung."

Smiling that beautiful smile that filled Jungkook up with all the affection he was never able to give anyone, Jimin just looked at Jungkook for a long time, neither of them looking away, both quiet and motionless.

"Okay. I'll be your 'okay' and I'll teach you whatever I can. You can hold onto me. I'm not everything, Jungkook. I'm not, and I don't know it all. I don't know how to heal you. I don't know how long or what exactly it will take. But I will love you and I'll never leave you. I'll hug you and I'll show you the world. I'll do my best."

"I don't want anything else," Jungkook smiled back. "The small everything that you are is already big to me. Your best is my perfect. I just need you 'cause I can't do it by myself."

"I know. I'm here. We'll learn together."

"Why do you call me 'baby,' hyung?"

Jimin chuckled softly. "Because you're like a big baby. Sweet and naïve and eager to learn. I'm gonna raise you up as well as I can, Jungkook-ah. Do you not like it?"

Jungkook giggled back, hesitant and quietly. "I like it. It's nice. Makes me feel..." he searched for the right word. "Loved."

"Good, 'cause that's what you are."

"That's what I am," Jungkook repeated wonderingly. "Wow."

Jimin suddenly hugged Jungkook, forcing a surprised laugh out of him. "You're so cute, Jungkook-ah. You really are a baby. Baby."

Jungkook turned his face back to Jimin's chest, hiding. "Hyung," he whined.

"You want me to stay over tonight? Maybe I should come see you every evening. That way you can have an outlet for an anxieties you experienced during the day. We can talk. I can bring you real food."

"You can hug me," Jungkook added cheekily.

"That too," Jimin laughed.

"Please stay," Jungkook whispered, suddenly shy and small again.

"Okay." Jimin pulled the blankets up and over them both. "Goodnight, Jungkook-ah."

"Goodnight, hyung."

Jimin's heart beat a steady rhythm under Jungkook's cheek.

Jimin's hand brushed through Jungkook's hair.

"Thank you," Jungkook mouthed, no actual sound escaping.

Maybe it was going to take a long time. Maybe there would be lots of problems. Maybe he'd have a lot of doubts and lots of setbacks.

But Jimin wasn't going anywhere. Jungkook wasn't going anywhere.

Jimin loved him.

Jungkook couldn't believe it.

Love was so much better than tears.