Better Than Tears (sweeter than sleep)

This is too hard

Night turned into day, safety turned into fear.

Jungkook wondered when what he said in the cocoon of Jimin's affections would translate into actual change.

Somehow, after experiencing such a level of loyalty and friendship and support, Jungkook found himself having a harder time facing classes than ever. Perhaps it was because he now had a self-directed spotlight on all the areas where he wanted to improve and act like a normal person. It was probably mostly because he was incredibly aware of how antsy and awkward and out of place he was when around anyone other than Jimin. His notes always seemed to slope down the page, like even they were a reflection of his hopes. It was so hard to keep hold of the warmth from one night to the next day. Jungkook felt cold all the time.

He would look forward to seeing Jimin all day, fighting his urge to ground himself using pain, which naturally led to more anxiety than before, and then he fought with himself as to whether he should tell Jimin about all of this before the latter read it in his face or his thoughts or whatever Jimin did to know what was going on in Jungkook's mind.

Jimin always said that he couldn't possibly know what Jungkook was thinking, which was why Jungkook had to tell him about his day and process things and relive them all over again. It was less painful every day, but the haunted feeling he had every morning, his shoulders shrouded by such longing for the day to be over was bending him too far.

Jungkook was not someone who bent. He was someone who broke. And Jimin was already doing so much and Jungkook had no idea how to tell him that he was possibly making things worse. The idea of losing Jimin was the most terrifying of them all.

So, in the middle of the night between Friday and Saturday, after a whole week of trying to change and failing to change, Jungkook found himself dialing Taehyung's number.

He said he could call at anytime, right? Jungkook prayed to the pillow gods that Taehyung would answer his paranoia with all the warmth that he had previously.

"Hello?"

Taehyung's voice was rich with sleep, causing Jungkook to berate himself for calling so late, or so early, depending on how one looked at it. He, of course, was wide awake.

"Hyung?"

"Jungkookie, you finally called. Jimin's been texting to tell me about your progress, but I wanted to hear from you. What took you so long?"

Jungkook closed his eyes to the gentle sound of affection. Jimin and Taehyung were both so good at that, so good at filling sounds with feelings.

"Sorry," he said softly, unsure of what to actually say.

Luckily, Taehyung was quick to respond. "I'm listening. I said you could call anytime, didn't I? So go ahead, tell me what you need to."

"It's hard," Jungkook mumbled lowly, hand clutched around his phone. "I don't think I'm making progress. I-I think I just finally see h-how bad I am, and it's so scary, hyung. Th-there's too much damage, too m-much to fix." Jungkook stuck his hand in his mouth to bite down on instead of his lip.

"Oh, Jungkookie, no, never. You are not too broken. It's gonna take time. Jimin told me that you seem nervous around him, but he wasn't sure how to ask about it. Is there something you want to tell him but don't know how?"

Taehyung was really smart. Jungkook was happy and unhappy at the same time.

"He thinks that I can j-just, just start from n-nowhere and get better, but I-I can't! He doesn't know a-anything! And I don't know anything! It's too much, hyung," Jungkook gulped back his sobs.