Better Than Tears (sweeter than sleep)

Give me your hand

Jungkook found that college was a welcome relief.

He still didn't like people, and there were a lot of people, but he managed. Meals where always at unoccupied spots. He didn't talk to his professors any more than he had to and he sat in the back of every class. Jungkook got minor anxiety anytime anybody looked at him, but people didn't volunteer to talk to him, so at least he wasn't in a perpetual state of fear.

He spent a lot of time studying, though he hadn't picked a major, and avoided people as best he could, finding prime studying spots on back staircases and back parking lots and also locked himself in his room quite often. His books were his friends and when he fell into bed his eyes were so dry and he'd be too exhausted to dream. On the weekends when normal people go out into the sunshine to laugh and play, Jungkook took advantage of a quieter dorm to finally do the crying he hadn't been able to do all week.

He didn't cry because he was so, so sad. He didn't cry because he was heartbroken or because he was lonely, no. Jungkook cried because that was how he balanced himself out. There was no one to sing him to sleep anymore. There was no one to hit him and he found himself missing the bruises because they at least made him feel something. Jungkook cried because tears were a familiarity, a link to his past, a link to himself. He knew how to deal with them. They reminded him of things, no necessarily good or bad things. They renewed him in a way that sleep never could, though he never truly felt new. Tears were his old friends.

They made him feel.

They made him feel lost.

But he was already lost.

--

Christmas passed quietly and without mention. Jungkook managed to stay on campus during the break. He did all his homework in the first two days and felt so empty. He tried to do more scribble drawings, but they just stared back at him like a mirror, showing his angry, crazy soul. It scared him, so he threw them away and decided not to draw anymore. One more thing to be scared of.

Jungkook didn't have any tears to bring relief from whatever hot, heavy feelings were bunched up behind his eyes, so he went for a walk. There was a dusting of snow on the ground and the sun was playing hide and seek with the clouds. He didn't bother to bring a jacket and it was a mistake, because being lost in thought and having longs legs made for being a long way from the dorm when he realized he was cold. Really cold.

He stood still for a moment, letting himself quiver in the wind that had picked up all of a sudden. The sun hadn't peeked out in several minutes and the sky was becoming steadily darker as the clouds started to merge together. Jungkook turned around slowly, shoulders hunching to face the wind on his long walk back.

He'd only taken two steps when a voice startled him out of his blank, repressed thoughts. Jungkook looked up from his feet to see the owner of the voice, a boy around his own age, hair fluffing in the wind, a slightly concerned expression on his face.

"Hey," he said again, taking steps to close the gap when Jungkook didn't move. "Aren't you cold?"

Jungkook simply nodded.

The boy paused before breaking out into a warm smile. "It's December and there's snow. Why aren't you wearing a coat?"

Jungkook opted for shrugging his way out actually answering.

The boy's smile quickly turned into a frown as he observed Jungkook shiver for a moment. Then, to Jungkook's complete consternation, he took off his own coat. When he moved forward to drape it around Jungkook's shoulders, the latter backed away.

"You don't need to give me yours," Jungkook said, surprising himself with the steadiness of his words.

The other just looked at him reproachfully, though his face was still gentle. "You're shivering and your cheeks are quite rosy. Just take it until we get you somewhere warm, okay?" He succeeded in placing the coat around Jungkook's shoulders this time, reaching up a little because he was a few centimeters shorter. "My car's over there. Come on, get coffee with me."

Jungkook was a little overwhelmed. Why was this stranger giving him his coat? Why was his offering him coffee? Why was he talking to him? "I'm, I don't, um, have my wallet," he stammered, holding onto the edges of the stranger's coat because it did feel nice to have something warm around him.

"Well, it's a good thing I have mine, then, isn't it?" The warm smile was back on the boy's face and Jungkook was too surprised to object when the other took his arm and started to lead him away. "I'm Jimin, by the way." He looked sideways at Jungkook expectantly.

Part of Jungkook wanted to run away. But he'd have to give back the coat and it did really feel nice and warm. He swallowed his apprehension. It was surprising once again that he found himself enjoy the feel of the boy's hand on his arm. This boy didn't look scary. He looked anything but. He looked warm and friendly and kind of like he talked a lot, and that was a little scary, but Jungkook was too tired inside to really protest.

He was too cold to reject warmth. He kind of liked Jimin's face non-scary face. He gave in.

"I'm Jungkook."

The smile that lit up Jimin's face gave him more warmth that any coat possibly could.

--

It turned out that Jimin did like to talk, but in a relaxing, friendly way about absolutely nothing that Jungkook found he didn't mind at all. The ride to the coffee shop was short and full of words - Jimin's words. Jungkook didn't feel pressured to talk. He just listened to comfortable nothings and regained warmth in all his limbs.

He gave Jimin his coat back as soon as they entered the coffee shop. Jimin made no comment - like that Jungkook couldn't wait to get it off him - and instead ordered for him, which Jungkook minded a little, but also liked, because then he didn't have to talk to another stranger. He was already with one, and one was quite enough for the day. Luckily for his anxiety, the coffee shop was nearly empty and Jimin sat them both down in a corner away from everyone, either from extreme consideration or observation knowing that Jungkook didn't like people.

He wondered just why this stranger was being so nice to him. Maybe he'd looked so incredibly pitiful, standing there in the snow. Maybe it was just his personality. Maybe his mom had taught him to be nice to shivering boys who forgot their coats. The thought of moms almost overwhelmed him again, but he brought himself back by biting hard on his lower lip. An unpleasant taste met his tongue; he'd bit hard enough to draw blood.

Jimin was the type to notice, of course. "Jungkook-ah! You're bleeding!" At least he'd said it softly. Jimin grabbed a napkin and reached across the table to press it gently on the cut.

Jungkook was surprised, again, and shrank back without thinking. He couldn't rationalize the fear pooling in his stomach, but he couldn't chase it away either. Jimin's hand faltered, the concern of earlier refilling his eyes. It made Jungkook feel grateful, then ashamed. He took the napkin and wiped at his lip while looking down. He was such a coward. He was such an awkward coward who thought about moms at the worst possible times and was about to pinch his thighs to stop the tears that were already welling in his eyes.

Jimin noticed, of course. "Jungkook-ah," he said softly, hand hesitating in the air as if he wanted to touch Jungkook but was afraid of rejection. "Hey," he said for the third time, softer than ever.

It was such a gentle sound, familiarity in every syllable. Jungkook forced himself to look up, hoping the tears had successfully been fought back and just about despairing when one rolled down his cheek. Jimin's eyes were still concerned, but Jungkook saw absolutely no fear in them, no disgust. He was surprised, again, and when Jimin moved seats to be closer to him, he didn't shrink away.

Jimin held out a hand, waiting for some sort of permission and Jungkook found himself nodding slightly. The hand that made contact with his cheek was warm. It was startling all over again just how not scary that was. Jimin's thumb glided over his cheek with the barest of contact, brushing away the escaping tears without a word. It wasn't scary at all. It was an act full of affection and comfort, from a stranger.

Jimin was a stranger, and Jungkook was afraid of strangers.

But Jungkook was also empty, and Jimin's hand was full.