As the year progressed, more things started to happen and get to me, for example, my weight. Ever since I was a young child I was always ridiculed because of my weight by my peers and family, including my mother. Imagine being an overweight 16 year old amongst skinny friends and everyone being skinny in your family... It wasn't fun, it still isn't. Now, my bestfriend had got into an argument on social media over a boy, and I somehow got dragged into it. My weight was insulted by four girls and me struggling with my insecurity was already a problem. On top of that, someone, a complete stranger decided to take shots at me as well on the same day, causing me to completely lose it. I expressed my feelings to my friends and even though they defended me publicly, all they could tell me privately was to get over it and to stop being a cry baby. This weighing on my shoulders, me feeling like a burden, I decided to cut my wrist for the first time in months. I felt worthless and alone and the self hate I had for myself grew stronger than it ever had before. While I still struggle with my self hate, it is nowhere near as bad as it was then. I cried myself to sleep with bloody wrists and bloody arms and went to face the world the next day like nothing was wrong.
Shortly after all of this happened, I took a medicine known as Abilify in order to help ease the voices in my head. Even though I had taken such a low dosage, I ended up having uncontrollable muscle spasms, also known as Dystonia. While it may not sound bad, my body would convulse and I would look as if I was having a seizure accept it would last up to an hour. I could not walk, talk or hold anything. I had to miss a week of school and on my first day back, I thought I was fine, but ended up having to be checked out due to my muscle spasms returning. On top of that I had an overwhelming amount of schoolwork to complete which caused me to have a panic attack and I almost came close to killing myself. During that time, my mother would do some of my school assignments to take the stress off of me. This was during the time of exams and I had to take my End of Course testing, but I had missed so much school I thought for sure I was going to fail. I still suffer from the disease to this day.
to be continued...
