While this was going on, my friends and I had picked up a bad habit for being reckless. I had went from 16 to 17 and was wilder than ever. We smoke and drank and it got to the point where I had driven to school completely off my ass with eight people in my car, 2 of them riding in the trunk. I had already messed with my mental state after having passed out off of a laced edible, my mental state still isn't the same to this day. One day, a video of my hair catching on fire while I was smoking surfaced on social media and somehow it had gotten back to my mother. This was the first day of my Christmas break and it completely made me rethink life. Everything I had was taken away from me and I did not know how I would deal with the silence, how I would bear with the thoughts in my head. I completely butchered my arms, the cuts were deeper than usual due to me hyperventilating and just frantically and harshly cutting away at my arms. I was afraid that I had lost too much blood and went to my mother. I lost every bit of freedom I had and was supposed to be sent off to a mental hospital but I never went.
After this event, I fell in love. I fell in love with a girl by the name of Payton. Payton was a fucking mess, hell, she still is. She's a drug addict, a sex addict, you fucking name it. Payton claimed me as her "girlfriend" and after spending some time with her, I fell madly and deeply in love with her. She would often humiliate me by doing things that hurt me but I always forgave her. She had sex with her ex, kissed her bestfriend three times and told me, met a boy and developed a relationship with him and continuously told me she loved me and wasn't trying to hurt me. I tried to help her, I brought her to church, tried to convince her to stop popping xans but nothing worked. I confessed my love for her over and over a fucking gain but it never worked. About 5 days ago, she came to my house and we had a great time. We hadn't seen eachother or talked to eachother for a week because she blocked me off of everything even though I did nothing to her. The day after, I saw a video of her getting punched over and over and over again by a boy because she liked it. I tried to be okay with it, I tried to but I saw her kissing him. I saw that video and I lost it. I saw her claiming him as her boyfriend, her man and I lost it. I could not understand what I had done to deserve that. I could not understand why she continuously played me and why I allowed it so 4 days ago I blocked her on everything and from my life and I wrote my last vignette about her. As of right now, this is my first time crying since I saw the video. I didnt want to cry, I wanted to ignore it. Payton is the first person to break my heart. 4 days ago up until now, I'm experiencing my very first heart break.
My life may not be eventful and I'm blessed none the less but I felt the need to write down everything. I felt the need to lay it all out.
