I... I'm trying. Trying to live trying to make myself feel alive but what necessarily makes a person feel alive? Is this why I enjoy physical pain? Is this why I crave the rush of coming close to death? I don't know. I don't know anything. How do I make myself present? How do I make myself here . I always feel orange. Whenever I think of my being and my vision is on high definition my world feels orange. Maybe because orange is the color of the room I was in when I clawed at my arms to the point of bleeding? I wasn't in my right mind then and I'm not in my right mind now. Maybe that's it. I don't like feeling orange. I felt orange around her all the time. Feeling orange reminds me of her. I don't like being reminded of her. I want to cut myself, but I won't. Everybody goes through things. Everybody deals with heartbreak. Why do I feel like this? Why do I want to die but live? i'm tired of feeling orange i'm tired of feeling this way I wanna go away. i wanna be a bird. I want to live but I want to live a life that isn't mine i hate it.
