All I Want

17

I finished watching The Great Gatsby. I took a deep breath as I watched the credits roll on the screen. I couldn't stop thinking about the Harold situation back at the rental store. I had imagined a completely different scenario when it came to encountering him for the first time after goodbye. The running away part surely took me by surprise. I heard a knock on the door, but I didn't answer. I didn't want to see anyone. It was my me time and me sure as hell didn't involve anyone else. 

"Hey there, love," It was Conor. I rolled my eyes as he shut the door with his back facing me. As he started to walk toward me I offered him a smile. A hypocrite smile, except he didn't know it was. He sat next to me on the bed and kissed my cheek. "Oh, you were watching Gatsby, huh?" I nodded.

"Yeah, it was me day, until you, well," I let a sigh come out of my lips. "Never mind." I shook my head. 

"Are you up to do something later?"

"Like what?" I asked. 

"Dinner, to celebrate this new stage in our lives." He answered. I pressed my lips together, not knowing what to respond.

"We had dinner last night. But, anyway, what stage?"

"Our engagement..." He said, furrowing his eyebrows. 

"I have no ring Conor." I knew a ring didn't symbolize an engagement, but to me, in this case, it did. I just wanted to be on an opposite on this. 

"Give me your hand." I slightly rolled my eyes and handed it to him. He stared at my fingers and started playing with them. 

"So, what do you need my hand for?" He looked me and smiled. He let go of it and reached for something inside his pocket. I knew what it was and I didn't want him to take it out his pocket, but it was inevitable. 

"Now we are officially engaged, not that we weren't before." He said. I smiled and he kissed my cheek. I took a deep breath trying to control my negative thoughts toward this situation from flowing out of my lips. I didn't want to marry him and I hated this. I hated the fact I was forced to fake love to someone, but I think the saddest part is that I once had genuine feelings for him. He once made me weak at the knees, he once was the person I wanted to spend forever with. But that was over and though I can't actually pin point the moment it was, it was. 

"I think I'm going to get some sleep. Do you mind leaving me alone?" He furrowed his eyebrows.

"Sleep? But look at the clock, it's barely five in the afternoon."

"Yeah, I'm tired. I mean no," I let a sigh come out of my lips. "Listen, I'm going to be honest here. I wanted this day just to myself. You know? Movies, face masks, crying over Ryan Gosling's beautiful face... that kind of stuff."

"Oh okay," He scoffed. "I'll give you your space. Can I ask you a question before I leave?"

"I have a feeling that you're still going to ask even if I say no." He chuckled.

"I know I did wrong you know that one time here at your place with your parents and the car thing," He gulped, taking my hand in his. "But you must understand you are the love of my life, my everything, losing you would be like losing a huge part of me and to be honest, it felt that way," He pressed my lips together. "I felt it for a few hours and I don't want to feel that way again. I promise I'll get better, I'll control my jealousy and my temper." 

"I understand, but nowhere in those words I hear an apology."

"You're right," He kissed my hand. "I'm sorry and I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you. After all, we have that much time."

"I accept your apology, but honestly, until I feel completely safe and comfortable with you, things will start changing. Don't get me wrong, we're still going to get married and live in a beautiful house and probably have lots of kids," He chuckled as I let a sigh out of my lips. "But, you have to give this whole us some time. I want to do the wedding planning on my own without you watching my every move, so I want you to respect my decision."

"So I won't be part of my wedding planning?" He said, emphasizing on the my. He was right, it was also his wedding, whether I liked it or not. I took a deep breath and a long pause. 

"Right, uh, I can give you the details through e-mail and you'll tell me if you're on board or not." I suggested, waiting for his response to be a positive one. 

"This sound foolish to me. We are not kids Taylor."

"I know," I pressed my lips together. "I just have to make sure," I paused. I couldn't say what I was thinking. I just had to make sure the wedding ended just like I wanted to, I mean, it's the only thing I could actually shape into something I like. The only thing I had a say in. "I just have to make sure it's my dream wedding." I offered him a warm smile, as I tried to cover up every negative thought around in my mind. 

"We'll discuss this later, okay? I feel like I might lose my temper if we keep talking about this," I rolled my eyes, but he didn't see. "I'll talk to you later, I've got something to do back at my place."

"Okay, goodbye." I said and watched him leave the room. I took a deep breath and tried to remove images of Harold in my mind. There were no good to me, but they were the best of the worst things I could think of right now. I missed him and I wished thing were different. I needed to find a way to see him and just feel his presence near, because even though his thoughts running around my mind were a mistake, I don't want those memories to stop.