All I Want

7

As my ankles were crossed and my knees were leaning against the center console of the car, I watched his hands on the wheel and how his eyebrows were furrowed, which indicated he was focused on the road ahead. I cleared my throat, trying to get some courage to tell him it was over for me. I started to play with my engagement ring and just the thought of giving it back to him was making me sick. I wasn't ready to break his heart, but it was something I had to do, because Harold answered my question. That kiss was everything I hoped it could be and more. 

"Conor," I blurted, my voice was low. I was nervous. My heart could easily get out of my chest. It was some kind of rush, and it wasn't a good one. It felt bad. I was about to break his heart in just a few seconds and I wasn't sure how to do it. I've never broken a heart before. I guess that's why they say there's always a first to everything. "I need to tell you something, b-but you have to promise me you w-won't get mad or h-hate me for the rest of your life." He drove us at the side of the road. Heavy breathing. My chest going up and down. I licked my lips and turned to face him.

"What's wrong, love?" His eyebrows were furrowed, he seemed concerned. "Did something happen with your parents?" I shook my head in denial. "Is the ring not good enough for you?" He really had no clue. I shook my head one last time, before giving an answer to his questions. Actually, just one.

"No, the ring is just fine," I looked down at my hand, twirling it around my finger. "But, now that you mention it," I took a deep breath. "It's not fine for me. This is the perfect ring and it is on the wrong hand." I confessed.

"Uh," He furrowed his eyebrows. "I'm sure you place it in the left hand, let me Google that." He took his phone from his pocket.

"Stop," I put my hand on the phone, covering the screen. He put it back into his pocket and looked at me. "You don't get it." I mumbled. I shook my head. I was right, this was the hardest thing I've done so far. 

"What?" He questioned. 

"Nothing," I shook my head. "Listen, I-I should give this back to you." I took the ring off and extended the ring with my fingers.

"I'm not sure I'm understanding what's going on," He glared at me confused, as he took the ring in his hand. "If you have cold feet, then we can save another date, I don't want to stop being with you. You are the love of my life, the biggest piece of my puzzle and my mom loves you. You know how hard is that to accomplish?" He reminded me. I smiled at the last one. She was a lovely woman and sure as hell I was going to miss his entire family. 

"I love you too, just not the way I did before." 

"Is there someone else?" I took a deep breath. I had to tell him the truth, there was no escaping this. There was no way I could not, after everything we've gone through, it was the best and the most honoring thing to do.

"I guess," I smiled through my words. "It's recent though. I'm not sure i-if I'm in love with him, but I just can't stop thinking about him. Just the thought of him makes me smile." I confessed, as a smile formed upon my lips. 

"I can tell. I never made you smile like that." He pressed his lips together, disheartened.

"It's not your fault Conor, you are a great guy. And I'm sure you'll meet the right girl for this ring." I grabbed his hand, tight, but he let go of it fast. He couldn't even look at me in the eyes. His heavy breathing was a sign that he was angry. 

"Don't give me that crap. If I were a great guy you'd want to be with me, not with that stupid mechanic." My eyes widened in shock. He knew. 

"What?" I furrowed my eyebrows. "How do you know it's him I'm leaving you for?" 

"Because I knew it since that night I saw you two, that he was going to do something to split us apart," He scoffed. "And you know something? I'm not letting him do that. I won't." He started the engine.

"He didn't do anything. It's me. I'm the one taking this decision!" I yelled, trying to enter some sense into him.

"Shut up!" He started driving fast. In that moment I swear my heart wanted to get out of my chest. My knees were trembling and all I could notice were the tears falling down his cheek. "You have to be with me! Not him!" He yelled. I knew I hurt him, but this entire situation was completely wrong. I wanted to get out of the car, but it was imposible. I started to take deep breaths, trying to control the different emotions traveling around inside of me.

"Conor, you're going to get both of us killed! Slow down!" I begged. I started to cry too, as I could barely see the rest of the cars driving on the road.

"No! That's what I want. I don't want you with anybody else. You promised we'd be together forever! Remember that?!" He recalled. His words came out weak, due to his crying. I did remember that. We were two months into our relationship, the honey moon stage wasn't over for us. Everyone talked about us, we were sort of this power couple, I mean we still were. People still thought and talked about us as if we were off to save the world or something. The fact a Swift and a Kennedy were together, blew everyone's minds. At social events, every photographer had to take our picture. We even made the cover of a town's magazine. I couldn't not picture people's minds being blow due to our breakup. 

"That was a long time ago. We were still kids, remember?" I took a deep breath, trying to control my tears. "I fell in love with you back in high school Conor, but some loves aren't meant to last forever! And it's no one's fault. Sometime's life gets in the middle. Just try to calm down. Slow down. Please." I begged. I wiped away the falling tears down my cheek, but he didn't stop. I started to cry even more, because if something were to go wrong in this moment, the seat belt wasn't going to stop me from dying.

"Why are you doing this to me?" He was starting to slow down the car. My heavy breathing stopped to and relief was everything I could feel inside of me.

"I can't keep lying to you. I love you and I respect you, but I cheated on you. That's not real love, not the kind you deserve. Not the kind I want to give you or anyone else for that matter. Love should be honest all the time and if it's real, you don't fall out of it." He stopped the car at the side of the road. In that moment, I thanked God in my mind a trillion times. He turned off the engine. His hands were on his face and I didn't know what to do. His fingers were tangled in his hair, I noticed they were gripping on it too. I gulped, trying to figure out what else to say to him. I wanted this situation to smooth down, at least for right now.

"But you're not in love with him," He mentioned, breaking down the silence between us. "You are leaving me for something that's not even real, something that hasn't taken off yet. Something that he might not even feel. Something living only in your mind and wishes. Doesn't that sound pathetic to you?" I shook my head, looking down. I had a lot of things I wanted to say, but I couldn't fathom those thoughts into sentences that made sense. Then again, nothing at that moment made any sense to Conor. He was in the beginning stage of trying to process really bad news and the way he was acting and the words he was saying... I couldn't blame him.

"I'm not in love with you either. I need you to understand that I don't care if this thing with Harold isn't the realest thing on the list," He looked at me, teary eyed. "I cheated on you. I can't keep going on with this lie," I sighed. "I didn't even get excited for the ring. That's a red flag we can't ignore."

"Are you sure about this decision?" He asked. 

"Yes." I answered, no hesitation.