All I Want

18

It was in the middle of the night when I suddenly got this urge to drive and not stop, and to be honest, I knew exactly where I wanted my final destination to be. I had this urge everywhere in my body that screamed his name and the desire was too strong to ignore. As I clutched my hands on the wheel, I took a deep breath.

"Don't do this," I said to myself. I pressed my lips together and stared at everything in front of me. I was trying to ignore every thought after him, but it was such a hard task. I tried to think of Conor as I was inside of this car, parked at one side of the road, in the middle of the night. I was actually three blocks away from Harold's. I started tapping my fingers on the wheel, trying to keep my focus on what should be important right now. "Screw this." I said and started the engine. I drove the three blocks I needed in order to get where I wanted. I noticed there was a light still on and I wonder if it was from his room or the living room or the kitchen. I couldn't get out of the car, I was nervous. I took a deep breath, trying to control the entire situation. I didn't want to be nervous, I had a lot to say. I didn't want him to notice my hands trembling or my voice at the verge of breaking down. I opened the door, until I heard someone getting near. The footsteps sounded loud against the pavement, as the night was still and no other sound was being transmitted. For a moment, I got worried. Until I noticed from my rear view mirror... it was him. I got out of the car, brave enough to call out his name.

"Harold," I said, as I stood still next to my car, waiting for him to turn around, instead he stopped walking. He remained that way until I decided to say something else. "I'm sorry that I'm here, but I can't stay away. Don't make me stay away." My voice was almost breaking. He turned around, but never looking at me. He was staring at the ground and then turned his sight to the left. His hands were in his pockets. 

"I was really really hoping it wasn't your car. I thought the alcohol was making up things in my mind," He was drunk, apparently. He chuckled. "But here you are," He was now facing me. His eyes looked different this time. "And I'm hating you so bad right now."

"I'm sorry, I-"

"Yeah," He interrupted. "You know? I don't want to see you." The instant I heard those words, my heart broke.

"I'm sorry, you won't see me again, I promise." I started walking toward the car, but then something happened.

"You know why?" I looked at him and shook my head. "It's because I love you Taylor. I don't even know why or how it happened, but the sole purpose of going out tonight and get drunk was because I couldn't live with the fact I can't have you," A tear was rolling down my cheek as he looked at me with watery eyes. My heart was pounding, I swear it wanted to get out of my chest. "I can't just imagine you because I get angry at you and myself and your parents and Conor and life. I was going to go out and look for you, I was actually on my way to your home, but something inside of me told me not to and know I get it." I walked closer to him. We were face to face and there was nothing I wanted more than to kiss him. 

"I wanted to say goodbye Harold."

"I don't. I can't say goodbye to you twice. It will hurt too much." I pressed my lips together.

"Close your eyes." He did. I glanced at him before kissing him. Our lips were a perfect match. I intertwined my hands with the hair at the back of his head as he clutched my waist with his hands. He was my drug. All I needed was one touch and I was hooked and it was addictive, I never wanted a moment like that to end. And I always was looking forward to a chain reaction. I wanted something to lead to another thing and that one thing to lead to a bigger one. In that moment I wanted to have sex with him, just like other moments we previously shared, it was something I wanted with every fiber of my being. The acceleration of my heart-rate was something I never experienced before, as the kiss became something more fierce and more passionate. I stopped. 

"What?" His breathed smelled just the same way his lips tasted, but I didn't mind.

"Do you want to move this situation to the car?" I asked, trying to slow down my beating heart. He nodded. I smiled and we walked over. I entered and shut the door, right at the same time he did. I slide next to him and as he stared into my eyes I smiled. "I want this to happen, I might regret it if it doesn't."

"Okay," He whispered. We went on with the kiss. I tried to tell him everything I wanted with my body. And the moment came, he was undressing me. I was fully exposed, but it didn't feel like such. I unzipped his pants and as he was sitting there with nothing but his boxers, I stopped. "Are you sure?" I nodded. He was now inside of me and as he thrusted deeper, I moaned. Minute by minute we were going at it faster and even more passionate and I felt complete. In that moment I knew I never wanted to be with anyone else if it wasn't him, but I also knew this wasn't going to happen again. I didn't want it to end, it was perfect.