All I Want

14

"So," I said. Before I could keep going on, I took a sip of my coffee. "Are we being tourists today?" He nodded. I was in the mood to be adventurous and explore the magic this town probably had.

"Yeah, I was told there's a cool museum. It's small but has a lot of history about this town. There's a bell and uh, a lot of things." He took a piece of his pancakes in his mouth. 

"Do you know someone from here?" 

"Uh, nope. My mom just told me and she uh," He cleared his throat. "She gave me directions but I have no idea how to get there."

"Oh, so your mom has been here?" I asked curiously. 

"Yeah," He furrowed his eyebrows. "I guess, I don't know." He kept eating his pancakes. It seemed like he was trying to avoid something.

"Is everything okay?" He looked and sounded annoyed. I was positive it had to do with the recent call.

"I've already answered that." The tone in his voice was nothing like before. I could easily tell he was mad at something or at me.

"Okay, just calm down. I'm trying to have a conversation with you, I'm trying to talk about things. If we're going to be in this, then we have to talk. That's a relationship."

"Taylor," He took a deep breath. I noticed he was clutching tight on his fork. "We are not in a relationship."

"Well, it seems to me we are," I looked at him, confused. "What's the kissing about? And the sleeping in the same bed? And not having sex because we don't want to mess things up? I'm trying to show you how much I want this," He furrowed his eyebrows. "But damn it, Harold. Speak to me. I can't do this alone. It takes two."

"You want me to speak about my troubles, but you won't talk about yours." I knew what he meant and before I could respond I noticed everyone at the diner was staring at us. I took some money and threw it on the table.

"Can we please do this in the room?" He nodded and we got out of the diner as fast as we could. In a matter of seconds we were back in the motel. "I know what you mean but I can't tell you about it, okay?" 

"So, according to your thoughts this relationship," He said, using finger quotes on the relationship word. "Will only work if I talk to you about what's messing around in my mind? No, Taylor. Damn it. I'm not asking you to talk to me about your dad, it's okay. Just don't expect me to talk to you if you don't do the same." His voice was high. He was not yelling, but he was on the verge of it. 

"My dad might face jail time Harold," I started to cry. "If I don't marry Conor." I cleared my throat, trying to fix my shaking voice.

"You are so selfish." He scoffed and I felt insulted. I was going all this because I wanted to be with him. It hurt.

"Excuse me?"

"You're just thinking about yourself in this situation. Your dad is in trouble and you are here with me in a motel. Doesn't that tell you something about your level of selfishness and maturity."

"Listen," I took a step forward. "You can't tell me anything you think I don't know about myself. I know I'm being selfish, but I'm hoping and praying there's something good in Conor. Something that might wake him up and make him realize he's making a mistake," I said, using hand gestures. "You barely know me Harold and yes I like you and probably if things were different and we if there was more time on our clock, I could easily fall in love in love with you. If things were different I'd be with you. If there was another reality, I'd be with you. But it's obvious it's not right. Yeah," I took a deep breath, trying to hold back my tears. "This has no happy ending." I confessed what I was trying so hard not to accept. 

"Conor won't change his mind Taylor and let's look at everything this way," He walked closer to me. "Maybe some day we'll make it right. Maybe someday I'll look for you again and we'll fall in love. Maybe you'll be wiser and I might be a little braver, maybe Conor will stop loving you and maybe just maybe, we'll make it right. But I can't count on that. I can't keep you in the back of my mind. I can't hold on to that tiny hope. We'll go back and you'll marry Conor because that's what's right," I looked at him, teary eyed. "I'll probably get married too and it will be right. We'll both be happy in our own special way."

"Why does it feel like this is goodbye? Like I won't ever see you or talk to you ever again?"

"Because probably in a matter of hours things will go back to normal. For me, for you," He smiled. "You have to promise me you won't get mad at me. Whatever happens please keep close to your heart the good times. The few good times we shared."

"You called my mother didn't you? Back at the diner?" He nodded. "What did she say?"

"I told her I'm with you and that I wanted you to go back and she said a whole lot of awful things about me." I rolled my eyes.

"Why? Things were okay before breakfast." I couldn't understand the entire situation.

"I saw you sleeping and it hit me. I could never offer you what you already have." He confessed. We sat on the bed.

"I don't need-"

"Yeah," He interrupted. "You say you don't need that, but you do. You will eventually."

"Why is everyone stuck in that thought?"

"Taylor," He took my hand in his. "Because you have lived your entire life that way. Whether you like it or not, it's part of you who you are. It will always be."

"I guess." It wasn't the case. I was trying to be done with the argument.

"Trust me, things are going to be okay." I nodded, staring at the way he was holding my hand. 

"It was nice almost loving you, Harold." I said. My voice was shaking and my knees were trembling. He kissed my temple and I rested my head on his shoulder. I wiped away my tears and took a deep breath. I gave him one last kiss before leaving the room. He smiled and I wished I could frame it forever.