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Thirty Two: Not What It Seems

Opening my eyes I was stuck. It didn't feel constraining, or harmful but instead something I've only dreamt of feeling for so long; safe. Glancing up I saw him fast asleep, mouth ajar and eyes lazily closed making me smile to myself. Slowly I attempted to draw myself from him, relieve my arms from the pressure he held them under but as I did the warmth was replaced with an icy coldness, much like the first day of snow- when we get it.

Carefully I move away from the bed, seeing it rise slightly and his body move gently still unaware of the harsh reality that lie before him. I walk out of the large dull room and to the bathroom, picking up my phone as I go in hope of seeing nothing but I can never be so sure. Twelve messages, Seven missed calls and too many social media notifications.

The messages consisted of my brothers fear, my own parents worry and concern regarding both me and Zoe but moreso her behaviour all mixed in with absolute confusion. As I read further into their own bewilderment three messages stood out to me more than others.

Zoe kicked him out.

Marcus refuses to see Niomi.

They're all miserable Al. I get you need some time, but please keep in touch - Joe x

Sitting down on the closed toilet seat I can't help but feel the weight grow on me again, the impending guilt of trying to do some form of good and yet again failing. The floorboards creak outside and a quiet knock echoes through the small bathroom. "Morning?" He sounded more perplexed than probably intended making me smile to myself at his abnormal awkwardness.

"I'm on the loo Dan, but not on the loo. You can come in." I tried being upbeat, but the tone I wanted failed me, abandoned ship long ago. Instead it is now replaced by a monotone voice that barely resembles who I was.

Hearing the door open slowly and a large head pop through with curiosity written across his face he lit up, realising what I actually meant. "Thank God for that." He sighed as he placed his hand against his chest. "I thought you were in some dire need of toilet roll or something." Smiling smally in response I remained quiet.

"It's good, I just like it here. Though small it just makes things easier to think through." I shrug my shoulders, avoiding his gaze.

Keeping my eyes fixated on the discoloured square bath mat beneath my feet a pair of odd black socks appear, followed my cross legs and hands covering the oddness of these particular socks. "What can I say? Living life on the edge." Motioning to his socks I laughed lightly, I was trying, I had to at least.

As the silence loomed over the two of us I couldn't ignore it for much longer, the clear elephant in the tiny room. He slept with me last night, on my own request. Nothing happened, but, did I secretly want something to? I was emotional, a complete and utter mess who needed a friend to console her but I expected Phil to be the shoulder for me to sob on, not Dan.

"Talk to him Ali."

"Perhaps he might just reject you, I mean it happened before."

"Him? With you?"

Shutting my eyes tightly I could never shut them out, they always screamed in the silence- I wonder if they'll ever stop. "We should talk about last night." They stop momentarily as I speak up, taking charge of this. All whilst I remain seated on the toilet.

"What do you want to talk about?" My insides were burning at his attempts of a casual remark, that he was playing it cool as if this happens all the time.

Lifting my head I raise an eyebrow to him, my unimpressed look causes a change in expression from him as he straightens himself up, still hiding the socks from my gaze. "I am not in a good place. I can openly admit that." I saw him slowly nod in agreement. "And I think I just need my friend, you know? I don't mean to be rude to you as you're a great guy Dan it's just-"