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Forty Two: The Forgotten

Now back to my own company I ponder over the same question, the same person I have done for too long. We all know his name, the apparent feelings he has for me yet I still question myself. It's been six months since I saw him last, we were both vulnerable, bruised and hurt from that accident. 

Since then I nearly kissed Dan, someone I wasn't sure about. Why didn't I kiss him? If you know then you know. Zoe's words repeat in my mind as I walk along various shops as others pass me with a sense of urgency whilst I radiate confusion. I could see him, try to meet up with him. Maybe this'll be it, maybe within the next few hours I will have my questions answered and I'll know for certain how I feel. 

Walking in silence I zone out the buzz of the city, the life that circulates through all of these people with expressionless faces reflecting my own. We all feel differently, but we look the same here. Once we are allowed to sit down, to have a moments peace or privacy then we can be more expressive, actually, display human emotion rather than act as if we have sunglasses covering our eyes permanently. 

My mind wanders back to the first time I met him, a small smirk crosses my face thinking of that day and how different things were then. It was a simpler time, my biggest worry being work and how my then co-worker would handle things without me, whether or not he'd call me back on that date. The date that coincidentally never happened, since he left. I wanted to visit Joe, it was all too last minute and I was so unknown to the London setting, to navigating my way around with ease like I can do now. 

I was meant to be at some cafe, he told me it was just down the road from his. But someone spilt their coffee all over my new white top, how typical and cliche it all seems, right? I walked to his place, let myself in and took a shower whilst he was out. Then as I got out of the shower in a dressing gown and towel dried hair I heard the video he was editing play, the one we filmed last time I was here where I featured for all of 30 seconds of unused footage. Peeping my head out of the bathroom I could see him, the unfamiliar tall blond watching the video, I spoke up and we made brief eye contact. And then in suited Caspar fashion, as I soon learnt, he fell to the ground hurting his ankle. 

We spent some time together, he thought I was Joe's girlfriend. I got to know a bit about him in private, I borrowed his top, one I think I still have somewhere buried in amongst my things. Spending that short time with him, it felt different. That first connection, the first time I hugged him out of kindness wasn't normal, no one had ever held me so gently in fear of crushing me. 

The next time was a fluke, one I wish I could remember more of. I was nervous, I tried to hide my sweaty palms and blame it on being the heat of the summer, well the few days of summer weather that is. We went by the seaside in Brighton, I was living with Zoe at the time and he came to visit to film, but I secretly wished it was to spend time with me. I had recently broken up with Miles, an ex of Zoe's though she never knew, never will. Caspar was the company I needed, he had no clue but he got me out of a rough patch of hatred towards all men, except Caspar. 

Our next meeting is the one that started all of this mess. The club, the beginnings of Varjack and Darkbloom. If only we knew the monstrosity that could've caused, could've led to. It was a messy night of bad dancing and coloured drinks that occasionally matched his eyes. There was a lot of underlying pain that he didn't know about, that I was unsure of along with the sweet cocktail of negligently on Alfie's behalf. 

Since then I feared our time together but at the same time craving it. Having him visit me, spending time together as he sat in my room where few had ever been or seen. It was the first time I truly let myself become vulnerable around him, I allowed myself to cry and mutter the truth about the Alfie situation. If only I knew he was in on it all, it could've saved me a lot of trouble, a lot of unnecessary heart ache.