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Thirty Eight: Six Months

"Is she in there?" Lifting my hand up I rubbed my eyes, turning to see a blurred figure outside of my room, talking to a passing nurse. "Alison Sugg? Mitchell?" Already I could hear the nerves rise in her voice making my heart sink. 

A small thank you was exchanged as she walked inside, a shadow of true self as she nears my bed. On her face is a small, fragile smile. "Hey Zozeebo." I try to hide the glossiness in my eyes by reminding her of something familiar, she laughs lightly before breaking down. "Zoe," I cry too, unable to contain my emotions after all this time of wondering how she would react. 

She wipes her eyes, trying to ease the tension with a chuckle. "Look at me, I'm a mess and you're the one in hospital." A smile crosses my face, one with sincerity as she sits down, clutching onto my hand with both of hers. "Ali, there is so much I need to say."

"It's okay, Zoe. I know." A simple statement, I know. That I know how much she wants to say, apologise for not realising, for acting out, for the treatment I felt. "You don't have to say anything." 

Zoe shakes her head forcefully, taking one hand from mine and wiping her face harshly, sniffing loudly. "No," She bluntly states. "I need to tell you how sorry I am. That I know, no matter what I do you can't forget or fully forgive me for letting this happen to you." Another sniff sounds from her as her lips tremble. "I just wish I had seen it, how he, he," Muttering her name lightly she just cries more, the cry that aches your chest and leaves you exhausted. 

"How were you to know? I only knew by a mere fluke." I explain, but she remains silently sobbing. "Once I'm out of here, we can sort this out. I promise." Taking on the role of the stable sister for once she lifts her face, blotchy and broken whilst I lie perfectly still, afraid to move. 

We both sat in the quiet of the hospital room for a while, neither of us knowing quite what to say to each other. There was tension, it felt briefly that the burning sensation on my cheek arose, but eased with the coldness of my tears as they fell thinking back to it, how it all happened so quickly. "Do you, do you remember the accident?" She pipes up, and I deliberate my response, shutting my eyes. 

Keeping my eyes closed I try to think back, like I have done every hour of the day, yet nothing. "It's not clear at all. I don't remember it, any of it. Caspar says we went for dinner. A date." She raises an eyebrow and I can see one side of her mouth turn upwards lightly. "I don't think it was anything like that, Zoe." Disheartened I relax back in the uncomfortable bed.

"How do you feel about him, really?" Glancing over to her I can see the curiosity loom heavily in her eyes, it was weird growing up, knowing my eyes would never be like hers. I'd never read descriptions about the blue resembling the natural world of the sky or ocean, no one would come up with a thousand different descriptions for my green eyes. Yet, Caspar could. He did. 

We were just chatting, late at night. We decided to FaceTime, back in the Darkbloom and Varjack days. I told him I was a mess, too tired with black clinging under my eyes, but he described my eyes like no one else did. Miles never complimented me like Caspar could, no one had ever been as supportive as he has been. 

A series of events flash before my eyes, the good, the bad, the poetically beautiful and the ugly. "I don't know." It's the truth, part of me wants to surrender and say I do, I really like him. That I've never felt this way towards someone before, and that it scares me. Then part of me wants to remind myself of all the horror, the torment he was guilty of causing me and the spiral it lead me down. One I feel I am only just getting out of. 

"Do you think he feels the same way?" Pondering the thought I lick my lips, deep in thought. My own thoughts, not multiple voices overpowering each other. It's something to get used to.