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Forty: Could've Been

Driving outside of my boundaries felt liberating, it had been too long since I had seen more than the vintage shops of my hometown. For months I was living the life of a teenager trapped in an adult's body full of new responsibilities and enclosed in vulnerability. Now I could be expressive, actually laugh wholeheartedly without my parents fearing my mental state and stability. On the road I could be me, I could think and not have a second opinion overriding the original thought. Here I can reflect what I'm about to do, about the surprises I will be conducting and to those who might not even remember me from almost a year ago.

I knew who the first stop would be, it was just a matter of getting there that was an issue. Pulling into a service station I take a rest stop and plan it out, making it less spontaneous. Going through my messages we spoke only a few weeks ago, see he didn't give up on me so easily and wanted to be there for my recovery period, even if he couldn't physically be there for me like he was last time.  

My mind drifts back to when I saw him, how dazed I was as I clutched my cheek as blood stained my fingers and gripped to friction ridges on my fingertips. He was the care and support I needed in that moment with the right amount of stability. I was falling apart and he was there to just slowly put some of the pieces back together whilst the rest were hanging by my ankles. He stopped me from screaming and crying all night long as he held me in his arms, listening to my whimpers. No one has done that, been that kind having known me for a matter of months completely. Already I can see him, I can picture his sweet smile and the selflessness etched in the darkness of his brown eyes. 

Sending him I text I wait for him to respond, which doesn't take too long. Once he has given me the all clear we arrange to meet at his, he will meet me at the station and then we can have a private chat before going back to his and Phil's flat. Leaving the service station I drove alongside the never ending amount of cars, it reminds me of growing up and going on holidays to Brighton. Mum and Dad drove along as we all sat in the back, sometimes I had to endure sitting in the middle, but when I was lucky enough to I got the window seat. Sitting by the window meant I could see everything, I was able to see others in cars, unsure what they were saying, arguing or laughing about. When it was dark I could see my reflection, wonder what the future would hold for us as my siblings slept soundly to the sound of the radio breaking up or playing classical music in the early hours of the morning. 

Yet now it's just me, only me driving along with no one to laugh with. The only company I have is the radio since the voices are gone, since there is only me in my head. Something I'm still trying to get used to, but my therapist said the best thing to do is distract myself, listen to music, have a podcast or an audio book on. She said it was a way for my mind to think that there is more than one person talking at once, it prevents me having singular bad thoughts that are all solely me, it helps me avoid spiralling. 

Nearing the station it felt all too familiar, yet this time my cheek is not throbbing and blood is not clinging to my flesh. Zoe doesn't hate me, she just hates herself for letting it happen- all of it. As I get my ticket and take a seat I run my fingertips over my locket, something that has become a nervous habit. I like to think they're watching over me, guiding me silently in life despite the fact that I never truly knew my birth parents in these last few months I've felt like I have known them my whole life. I've been able to read all about them in the case that Peter gave me. They got married in Rome, they travelled everywhere leaving postcards that were never sent tattered, but I got to read their stories, all about their marriage. They left everything for us without even realising. It feels as if I've been reborn, that Alison Sugg has been wiped and in her place is Alison Mitchell-Sugg, a mentally stable person who is ready to start this new life at 22. 

Once the train arrives I glance around, seeing if I can spot a looming giant over everyone else. As I get past the rush of those getting to work or wish to part from the claustrophobic place I see him, head down on his phone unaware of his surroundings. Walking over to him I simply stand next to him, pulling my phone out and sending him a message letting him know I'm here. After a minute he looks around and then glances my way, still not fully registering it's me. "Seriously?" I speak up as I nudge his arm, only then does he snap out of his fixation with his phone and notice me.