Unknown

Thirty Three: Noise

Waking up in my own bed felt odd, it had been too long since I had the comfort of my own life- the current one. I've been delving into my past for a while, ignoring the present, thinking too much about the future that I just haven't lived. Jess booked me a Doctors appointment, I have to talk about it again, something I haven't done in a long time. The engaged look they all wear and how they check their database about me, write down various notes and nod as I tell them how I feel.

Mornings are never easy to get used to alone. Jess was out, Jim was working and I knew soon I'd return- get back and on with the life I enjoy. Sitting up I climb out of bed and feel the familiar sense of home return, a smile is worn on my face as I walk downstairs. I feel productive, no one is holding anything over me here, I can simply be without fear here.

Everything goes smoothly, despite some comments in my thoughts they aren't lurking over me, hurting me in anyway. The sound of my own foot steps as my weight dips the creaking floorboards and continues to do so with each step I take, dipping and rising consistently. All is too quiet here, it is too peaceful but is it really? Or it is normal, normal; something I can't say I'm used to anymore. Sitting down in front of the TV I can picture Jess next to me, laughing along with me about some TV show we would be watching, sipping wine and catching up on the days we had. I can see her putting on her heels and spinning for me as she would head out for the night, the times when I'd pick up the phone and give my sister a call or face time her and Alfie; so unknown of what was to come.

Shaking the thoughts from my mind the laughter has gone from my side, only the dull voices of mid morning television are my acquaintance for today. I glance over to the front door, hesitant to go too close to it now knowing if I go out, what will happen? What could happen to me that no one would believe. Tearing my eyes away I sigh and observe the interior of the open space, what drew us to this place in the first place? Probably the rent. Maybe the location? Maybe all of the chances we had here to do something, be something different. Being different was just what we both wanted, maybe I wanted it too much.

Lying down on the sofa with the remote in hand I flick through various channels, unsure on what to waste my day with. The cushions behind me are comforting, closing my eyes I can picture myself back with Dan, how he held me so protectively. I can see myself there, turning towards him and rather than pulling myself away, leaning in. Quickly sitting up right I walk to the front door, grabbing my phone and keys I slam it shut behind me.

I need space.

*

Around me the darkness closes in, shadows grow and merge. Picking up my pace I can hear my shallow breaths rise as people walk by with their hoods held up, faces hidden whilst I remain exposed. Pulling my hair forward I hurry, not wanting to be too obvious that I was afraid of being out here where strangers lurk. Sometimes those who you think you know turn out to be the biggest strangers, and you all know who I mean.

As I reach the front door I fumble with my keys to get it open, they drop and I swear to myself as I uneasily turn around expecting him to be there. But no, I'm alone. It's just me and my thoughts, as always. Unlocking the door I thank the sky as I slam the door shut, resting against it as I catch my breath, not yet ready to walk away and act as if all is fine.

"Ali?" The confused tone startles me as I straighten up, Jess appears from around the corner with a bowl full of steam. She places it down and nears me, I'm struggling to hide my fear. Pausing a few steps away from me I can feel her analysing me, the desperation in my eyes, how my lips are cracked, the stains that mark my cheeks; how everything is too difficult for me. Sometimes I wish she could crack open my skull and release the bad thoughts, I'd be dead as a result but would that mean more peaceful? Who knows.