Choosing Mr. Destiny (boyxboy) [To Be Edited]

"Chapter 15" ✔

An edit I made ☝☝☝ 💜🙊

Hope you guys enjoy another update. So here you go! 😊

Ashley's POV

     

It's kind of funny to think that it's been a week after that incident happened at school. Where I panicked when I thought it was Jacob who held my hand and not Connor. And then I dramatically ran inside the school and locked myself up in the boy's bathroom.

I still can't wrap my head around the whole scene I made back during that time. I kind of wasn't able to control my panic and my body just when into overdrive. It was embarassing to think about now that I'm completely able to comprehend what I had done. Plus, It really was a mortifying memory to visit because one, I made Connor break a school property, two, I made my friends and family even more worried than they already are, and three, I freaked out a poor school janitor.

Right now I feel disconcerted with my own actions, and there is also a big part that belonged to guilt. But what I had done back there was beyond my control when fear took over my system. So I guess they should atleast understand where I'm coming from. I know I made all of them worried as heck and that itself is eating my entire body with guilt at the moment. But like I have said, fear is not in my control right now. So chances of having another emotional turmoil is high.

However, there is this thought that never left my mind ever since that incident happened back at my school. Connor was there. He came back for me. He basically saved me that time. He saved me from myself.

He was able to calm my nerves down which was kind of odd for me. I didn't know what he did or said for me to be able to calm down, but all that was in my head that time was to try and build trust with him. I was even shocked myself when I clung to him that easily like I trust him with my life. Though clinging to Connor was a huge shocker, I admit that I was glad he was there for me. Which was very weird I don't even know why.

Speaking of Connor. He's been very gentle to me ever since and I think I'm starting to feel more comfortable with him. The feel of safety and assurance that made me comfortable around him was starting to grow day by day. I feel secure enough that I was able to slowly come out of my shell again, though not fully, but it was surely a huge progress. It was a slow process and it still is. But I guess the fact that I'm coming out of my safe haven one step at a time can be considered a good news, then I'm proud and happy that I was able to do it. But I feel like I still can't let my guard down fully. I do have this trust building up for Connor, but I'm still terrified. I'm still scared to be taken advantage. Too scared to trust and end up getting hurt again.

I guess I built another personality of mine that was closed off from people. I was no longer the Ashley Dale Valdez that I once was. Right now, I'm a person whose being driven by fear. I'm too afraid to let people in and be taken advantage again. I guess I'm no longer the person that was once a happy-go-lucky kind of type. No, I am far from being that person. However, I'm trying my best to move on and get over the things that happened to me. But knowing the scenes are still fresh in my mind like it was just yesterday, I know it will take time to be able to fully move forward. But I'm getting there though. Slowly but surely getting there.

I was also thankful that Connor wasn't trying to bug me about telling him the reasons why I'm so scared and terrified of Jacob. Instead, he was always there to take my mind off of the things that worries me, even if it's just temporary. But I'm still so grateful. Besides, I don't know if I can even answer him when he does question me about Jacob, and I don't know if I'm ready to be interogated about it yet.

For now, I want to take my mind off of the bad events, the traumatizing memories, and the frightful things that haunts me everynight and day. I want to feel alive again without feeling dirty of myself and without beating myself up about the fact that I was raped by the person who I easily trusted. I want to be free for once and just be happy again. Be the old Ashley Dale that I once was.