Could this be love?

Chapter Thirty-Two

Andy’s Point of View

The silence that followed Jinxx’s ultimatum was unbelievably painful.  I looked up quickly from the ground, tears forming in my eyes.  I opened my mouth to speak but I couldn’t think of anything to say.  I wanted to tell him that I wanted him and that Ashley meant nothing to me.  I wanted to tell him that I would forget all about Ashley and cut off all contact with him if that’s what I needed to do in order to be with Jinxx.  I wanted to tell him all these things but I couldn’t because I knew I would be lying and Jinxx would know that too.  As much as I loved Jinxx I loved Ashley too and I couldn’t just stop.  I didn’t even know if I wanted to stop loving Ashley. 

Knowing that I didn’t have anything useful or even truthful to say, I shut my mouth and looked back down at the ground.  Remembering that I had a smoke clutched in between my forefinger and middle finger I raised my shaky hand to my mouth and took a long drag, waiting a few seconds before blowing the smoke back out.

“Andy?”  Jinxx said, breaking through my thoughts.  I didn’t respond, and just took another drag from my smoke. 

“Andy.  Come on, don’t ignore me like that.  It’s not going to make anything better.”  Jinxx said, annoyance seeping into his previously soft and gentle tone. 

I sighed softly and looked up.  “What?” 

“Do we have a deal?”  He asked.

I snorted slightly at his choice of words.  It was as if we were making a compromise on what we were doing for a date instead of ending our relationship.   I took another long drag off my smoke, looking anywhere and everywhere except for him before answering.

“It doesn’t matter what I say.  This is what you want.  You just want me to say okay so you don’t feel bad about it.”  My tone was unnecessarily harsh and I felt myself begin to get angry.  

“You’re right.  One hundred percent right.  And don’t even try using that tone with me.  You don’t have any fucking right to be angry with me.  If anything I should be angry with you.  You cheated on me Andy.  You not only kissed Ashley right in front of me, but you fucked him.”  He hissed.  His words were like a harsh stab in the heart but he was right.  Instead of calming down I just felt myself getting more and more angry.  I hated that he was right.

I felt the anger building up inside of me, making it impossible to breathe, and I suddenly found myself really wanting to punch Jinxx right in the face to the point where I nearly had to physically restrain myself. 

I hate you so fucking much.  I’m actually relieved you’re dumping me.

I found myself thinking.  I really wanted to blurt out the words but I stopped myself by biting down on my tongue to the point where I could taste blood.  I couldn’t say those things because I knew they weren’t true.  I loved Jinxx with all my heart and I was anything but relieved that our relationship was over.

I felt my anger slowly begin to leave, only to be replaced with sorrow and heartbreak.  Tears began to fill my eyes and I took a drag off my smoke, looking down in hopes that he wouldn’t notice. 

“Jinxx…” I began once I thought I had a handle on my emotions.  I was wrong and suddenly I started sobbing uncontrollably.  I threw my smoke on the ground and covered my face with my hands.  My legs felt shaky and I thought they were about to give in at any moment when I felt Jinxx wrap his strong, protective arms around me.  As I breathed in the scent of his cologne I started crying harder.  I couldn’t speak and I couldn’t breath.  It was all I could do to just give in and let myself cry as sobs racked my body.