Feel the Fire (Yoonseok) ✔

Chapter 15

The cold wind nipped at his skin. He wanted to put his hands in his pockets and warm them but he couldn't because of the flowers he was holding. They weren't perfect, still they were beautiful. Just like he would like them. Perfect was boring anyways. At least he had always said so. It was weird how his words now after everything that happened sounded completely different from then. At first Yoongi had always thought he just didn't like things too neat or lavish, now he realised those words were reflective of himself rather than the objects around him. Perfect was boring, that's why he wasn't.

"Well, hello, I guess." Yoongi said sitting down on the muddy ground. There was supposed to be grass on it but it was trembled by the many creatures that wandered around these lands at night. Cattle wouldn't come here, but foxes, rabbits and other small rodents would.

"It's been a while, one year actually. Just like always." He said turning the flowers in his hands nervously. "I know I should visit you more often but I just can't bring myself to do so, I trust you to know why."

"Uhm-" Yoongi spoke with a breaking voice. He wasn't sure what he wanted to say in the first place, just anything was better than the eerie silence around him.

"Have you seen any of the other boys lately?" Yoongi asked letting his fingers slide over the soft petals. "I guess they would visit you today. I know they weren't the nicest but I'm sure they didn't mean it. If they knew what you were they'd-"

He took in a sharp breath. He was positive that his words were only making things worse, yet he had to say something. "they wouldn't have said what they did, or treated me the way they did. They would have never done that to you."

Yoongi bit his lip trying to keep the tears in. He hardly ever cried. He wasn't good with emotions. He would just bottle everything up, both his own emotions and those of others. Until at some point something like this would happen. He would be at the verge of crying but his emotions were so overwhelming that he simply couldn't. He was sad, angry, melancholic, scared and misunderstood all at the same time. It was like this huge mansion he had built inside his mind suddenly came crashing down. He knew that by the end of this day there would be nothing left of it, only pieces of rubble and dust.

He sniffled and shook his head as if that would get the thoughts away. At least it helped him erase them for a second. He'd just lock them behind a door in his mind, waiting until it got too full again.

Yoongi leaned forward and laid the white flower on the stone in front of him. The contrasting colours between them were beautiful yet sad. It really highlighted the differences between the light coloured life around us and the stone-cold, dark death that awaited us all in the end.

Death didn't scare him, or maybe life just scared him more. He never had a reason to fear death in the first place. Every child in the orphanage he once lived in had dead parents and no family. He however had a family, they were just not interested in him. Life had thrown a lot at him while death never interfered.

"You know, I still feel guilty to this day for not reaching out to you." Yoongi said in a hoarse voice. "I knew you needed help, I knew you would never tell them, still for some reason I never did talk to you."

Sobs cracked his voice and body yet no tears ran down his face. His breathing was uneven and it felt like his world was spinning. He pulled his knees up to his chest and hid his head from the rest of the world.

"I'm so sorry." He spoke softly. His voice was hardly audible but he knew his friend would hear him. After all his thoughts said everything his words couldn't.

He stayed like that. The world around him moved on and he just sat there, knees in his chest and sobs cracking his posture every few minutes. The sun went down and the stars came out. They did just as little as the few people that came to visit someone else's grave. They just watched before shining their light somewhere else.

As time went by his breathing became normal again, his head cleared up even though his throat didn't. Still he didn't leave. He knew he couldn't bring himself to come here again until he had no other choice and the guilt almost made it obligatory. He just sat there picking at the weeds and the moss that grew on the black stone in front of him.

He knew he couldn't stay here forever, he didn't want to either, but neither did he want to leave. Out here his friend was all alone. The others hardly came here, they knew it was their fault their friends had now found his final resting place. It's funny how guilt made Yoongi come here every year while the same emotion kept the others away. He didn't know whether he should be grateful for that or not, he just knew that it at least gave him some more time before someone would send him away.

More time passed, the temperature dropped as did the amount of light. Midnight was getting closer and he'd have to get up early tomorrow for his classes. It was not like he was going to be able to concentrate anyway.

"I think I should go. My roommate is probably worried about me by now." Yoongi said slowly standing up. "I'll see you again soon." He said.

With one last look at the stone he walked out of the area. It was only a small walk back to the Academy but it would take him at least half an hour. Hoseok would probably already be asleep, just like almost every other student. He'd have to be quiet, maybe even sneak in. The thought of sneaking in alone already tired him. Still it was his fault he stayed out this long in the first place. And he didn't regret his decision in any way.

Hello? Who do you think the friend is? What happened? What is going on? Let me know your thoughts and theories down in the comments!