Beyond my Beating Heart

Chapter Four: Good, cause you're mine too

Listen to Somewhere Only We Know by Lily Allen for this chapter

The thing about having a constant white noise in your head at all times is that it's never silent. It's never quiet. It never stops, but I'm used to it. Sometimes, I can even make out what it's telling me. And those are the times I feel insane.

Tapping at the walls of my head, forcing me to hear. I can't cover my ears, nor can I run away from it. It sends trembles throughout my entire body, yet I can't get warm. I can't just "take a deep breath" and have it be over.

The thing about being mental is that it's chronic. It never stops. It never heals. Jumbled whispers act as a white noise. The sound doesn't muffle or mute the pain. It doesn't blur it out. It's the one thing I can see as clear as day. The hurt. The memories. The fighting. It's all constant. It never changes.

I used to think about it all the time. It was traumatizing to hear voices telling you to kill yourself at fifteen years old. My mother put me in a doctors' office and sent me to get medication. That only screwed with my head more. The medication had put me in a mental state worse than before.

I know now that lower doses work the best, but I learn again every day that medication doesn't cure. It barely helps. I'm a monster that can't get out of her own head.

---

I wake up with a ball of ginger fur laying on my head. So much for an alarm clock. I check my phone and look at the time. Five in the morning. Perfect.

I walk downstairs and turn on the light, with both of the pets trailing behind me. I put food in their bowls and make sure they are fed. I get up and grab the tea bags out of the cupboard and fill the pot with water.

Walking over to the counter, I sit down and open my laptop, logging into the school website to check my emails. A certain name catches my attention.

Annabelle Sargent, Lauren Tal, Chris Johnson

I open the messages and groan. Of course, only to wish me an awful day. It pains me to think about how they were once my friends. He was once my lover. Gosh, how stupid I was back then. Believing that they wouldn't leave. That he wouldn't break me.

I am almost surprised Jett has not found out yet. Maybe it's because the drama and the hype went down. I am not sure. But one thing I am sure of is that I can never let Jett find out. I can't risk it. My mother always tells me it's something to be ashamed of, something to never speak of.

I close my computer and stare blankly at the tiled walls in front of me. I admire the intricate detail of the marble on the countertop. The trees are swaying in the morning breeze as the sun peaks out over the horizon. Shades of gold, orange, yellow, and purple stream through the sky as I look up in awe.

Shaking my head, I force myself to go upstairs and get out of my trance. I look in my closet and pull out a plain pair of skinny jeans and an oversized large sweatshirt. Slipping into the clothes, I put on my shoes and brushed my hair. I guess this is presentable.

Looking at the clock, I still have an hour before I need to leave. My bench awaits me in my hideout. Grabbing my backpack and other miscellaneous school supplies, I run out the door, quickly saying goodbye to the pets.

I sit and begin to play music while looking at the sky, noticing every detail of my surroundings. The water laps in small waves in the brook in front of me, the sound of water soothing my soul.

I notice the sounds the birds make. The tweets as they chatter amongst themselves in the sky. Carefree, not a worry in the world. I wish I was a bird. I wish I could fly and distance myself. But unfortunately that is not how life works. Life has ups and downs, worries and struggles, and that is just part of being human.

I notice the breeze chilling my nose and fingertips. The comforting smell of fresh rain fills the atmosphere that encloses me. I am happy. I am joyful. This is my home. This is where I feel no pain. But then again, I can't stay here forever. And boy do I wish that I could.

I look down at my watch and head up back to the house. I'm going to be early for once in my life. I hop in the car and drive off. The radio plays softly as I pull into the parking spot in front of the school building.

The wind blows as I step into the building. I walk to my locker and begin to collect my books and supplies for History. A pair of large heels click through the hallway. I immediately know who it is. Lauren, Annabelle, and Chris step in front of me. Lauren steps in front of me, rips the books out of my hands, and struts off, Annabelle following behind her, cackling like a witch.

I all of a sudden feel two hands on my sides and I jump. Turning around, I see Jett flashing an award winning smile at me.

"You scared the living daylights out of me!" I yell at him laughing.

"That was the point!" He laughs.

"Very funny! Did you get home okay after last night?" I ask.

"Yup! I only got two hours of sleep though. It was worth it though Junie!"

Before I can comment on the weird nickname Jett just gave me, Chris barges in and decides to comment.

"Well, I didn't know you where such a slut." He scoffs at me in disgust.

The look on Jett's face scares me. His fist is balled up by his side and his other arm is thrown around my shoulder as if he's trying to signal Chris to stay away from me.

"Well, it's true. Hate to burst your bubble airplane!" Chris says in a cold tone.

"First of all, don't call me airplane, second of all, how the heck is June a slut? We are friends. Get your dirty mind out of the gutter!" Jett shouts.

"Shut up, it's not my fault you stole my girlfriend!" Chris says, and with that, he storms off.

Jett stares at me in utter shock.

"You and Chris are... but I thought.... " Jett sputters out.

"No we're not." I declare firmly, making sure he knows the truth.

All of a sudden Jett booms in laughter. He throws back his head and slaps his knee. I don't think I've ever been more confused in my life... and I'm confused a lot.

"What?" I ask him, "Why are you laughing?"

"He's just... so pathetic!" Jett says and laughs harder.

"You mean, you're not mad at me?" I question.

"Why would I be? I believe you over that nutcase any day!" He speaks.

"Well, you've got one thing right, he is a nutcase!" I start doubling over with laughter. Damn, why is he so funny?

---

"Would you consider me your best friend?" Jett asks, while petting Rosie's head.

"Well, you're my only friend so, yeah." I reply sheepishly.

"Good, cause you're mine too." He states proudly.

---

Jettiper (friend)shipping yet?