Beyond my Beating Heart

Chapter twelve: the past and the present

Play Sorry by Halsey for this chapter.

Author's note: this chapter will mostly be a "flashback" so to speak. Just letting you know. That's why the tense will change from present tense to past tense.

Don't worry, just in case you're confused, I will let you know when the "flashback" starts ;)

And just so you know, the reason I put "flashback" in quotation marks is because June is not having an actual flashback. That would be more of a psychological thing.

She is more or less just remembering the past. So, I applaud you if you read all this, but I just wanted to say that :)

***

I wake up to a tear stained pillow. I get up and look into my mirror at my repulsive reflection. My eyes are bloodshot and my skin looks as if it has aged over rapidly. Even though it has only been a week, I have already lost a significant amount of weight, and my ribs barely peaking out proves that.

I have not eaten anything except for an occasional apple or granola bar. Not because I am overly cautious of my weight, not because I am punishing myself, but simply because of the fact that I could not be able to stomach any of it, sadly, that is just how it is at the moment.

The fact that all this happened so fast makes me nauseous. The fact that I lost the one person in my life that I could actually trust, the person I loved, heck, the one that I still love, and most importantly, the one who did not know. All of that makes my want to die a painless death, so I would not have to go through the heartbreak that has happened to me throughout my entire life.

The thought of everything that has happened to me over the years makes me want to shut down and never open up again. The vast majority of the days I have about, on average, four crying sessions. Not counting the small ones.

The days have been going on. And I am surviving, but I'm not even sure if I want to anymore. I have been reliving the old days, even if I don't want to, they come in to my mind, in my sleep, every pain I have gone through has led up to these moments.

The last time this happened was not with Chris, but Lauren and Annabelle. Losing Chris was not the end of the world to me quite honestly. I mean, I had finally gotten out of a toxic relationship I had been in for the two years prior to the events.

I remember that week all too well. I remember not just the words, but the exact feeling when your heart shatters right before your own eyes. The pulverizing force pressing down on my fragile soul finally made it crack. It fell to the floor with the metaphorical sound of glass being thrown to the ground. And that was the day I lost the last bit of light I had inside.

The "flashback" starts now ;)

It was a rainy Thursday afternoon. Nothing out of the ordinary. Rosie was only a few months old, and as for me, I wasn't dead inside yet. They were good days. The ones you see in the movies, perfect friends, adorable pet, well liked, and of course, a hot boyfriend. What more could a girl want? I had everything but a perfect family.

Chris and I were sitting in my living room, watching Twin Peaks, our usual show, our usual place, our usual close proximity. I remember the warmth radiating off of his body and on to mine. Something happened to me in that moment, something happened to us.

I do distinctly recall the look on his face when I told him I loved him no matter what. And he nonchalantly repeated it back. Even when we were not doing anything special, I made sure to tell him that I loved him. It was something my mother had never said to me, so I wanted to make him feel like my mother had never made me.