Beyond my Beating Heart

Chapter twenty one: shame

Play Somewhere Only We Know (the other one) by Keane for this chapter

***

"Hey, what'd she talk to you about?" Jett asks casually, obviously having no clue as to what had happened.

"Oh... uh... nothing, just wanted to ask what my schedule is for staying." I stammer, mentally face palming at my ever so smooth lying abilities.

"Well," Jett starts, obviously not believing me, "I wouldn't mind you staying longer of course, but what'd your game plan?"

Whew, he's not pushing. But I can't help but feel just a tiny bit guilty that I just flat out lied straight to his face. God, I need some sleep.

"I think I better head out, I'm getting pretty tired... uh, yeah, gotta blast!" I say speed walking to the door.

"Wait! June!" I hear before I feel a hand on my wrist and the bedroom door shuts.

Before I can respond, I'm gently pinned onto the door and Jett holds my face in his hands, kissing me delicately. I smile and kiss his cheek, proceeding to walk out of the house and drive back to mine, with a smile on my face and my head in my hands.

***

I've been spending the rest of the night with some much needed alone time. I love Jett and all, but I need a few hours to myself. And more importantly, time to process what might have happened to him.

My head's been spinning for the entire night after I left Jett's house, what could he possibly be hiding from me that's such a big deal Nana can't even tell me? It's not like he's a serial killer or something. And I know him well enough to know for sure that he couldn't live with doing anything illegal. So that limits the possibilities by a long shot.

I get up, grab my jacket, and head out the door to hopefully get some fresh air. The breeze is soothing as I open the back door and see the orange and purple skies of the sunset.

I take a deep breath and begin to jog over to my spot and sit on the handmade bench that my father had crafted for me, reminding me of him.

Guilt overshadows all jubilant thoughts that were previously in my head. At the hospital, my dad told me to call him at least once a week, any two weeks later, I still haven't contacted him. I just can't bring myself to hear his voice, it's stressing. And I know it's cowardly to just avoid my problems, but it's all I've ever known.

I sigh and bury my head into my hands, breathing heavily. This isn't how things are supposed to go. I'm supposed to get over all the hardships in my life and run off into the sunset with Jett. Not have to worry about some alleged event that shaped his being as a whole.

My eyes begin to get heavy and before I know it, the world turns dark.

***

I wake up, groggy and confused, birds chirping and my neck and back feeling like hell. I groan and sit up, still at the spot, on the bench. I'm kind of surprised that it didn't rain last night.

I pick up my phone and see the screen:

15 missed calls from: J

Holy shit. What the hell does he want? I quickly dial his number and wait until he picks up.

"June!" He says, exasperated.

"What's going on with you?" I ask.

"We need to talk... like, now."

"Why? Is everything okay?" I say, now worried about him.

"Not really, can I come over?" At this point he sounds like he's on the brink of tears.

"Of course! Uh, when do you wanna get here?"

"I'll be there in a few." He says, then hangs up, without saying anything else.

Great, now I have yet another thing to worry about, just dandy. I don't know how much more I can take, I thought with Jett knowing all my little secrets, things would be easy and honest. But it never occurred to me that he could have some demons of his own.

Yes, I'm aware that it's selfish to think that he's perfect without even asking. I just had so much in my plate that i totally forgot about Jett and his possible feelings. Is there anything I don't mess up?

My thoughts are interrupted by the realization that I'm not only outside, but Jett's going to be here any moment now and I haven't even fed the cat. Poor Rosie.

I run up the hill and on the trail, making my way inside, quickly pouring food in Rosie's bowl and running upstairs, sending a quick text to Jett telling him to let himself in as I take a quick shower, getting rid of any evidence that I was outside all night.

***

"Hey, sorry, I fell asleep outside and desperately needed a showe-" I begin to tell Jett, but get crushed by a bone crushing embrace.

I of course hug him back, but something seems off... scratch that, something IS off. His breathing suddenly becomes ragged and he holds me tighter.

"Hey, hey, what's wrong Jett? Look at me." I say softly, grabbing his face with my hands.

"June, nana told you, didn't she?" Jett says, seeming defeated. My eyes widen and my throat closes up, how the hell am I supposed to answer him, when he seems so broken. I'll only make it worse, I always do.

"I, uh, I mean..." I stutter.

"Goddamnit." He curses under his breath, and suddenly, I'm beyond worried.

"Jett, she didn't tell me anything." I tell him.

"Well she obviously told you something. Cause you've been acting weird since she talked to you, and she told me to tell you and I just-"

I cut him off, "I talked to her, yes, but she didn't tell me anything specific. And you don't need to tell me anything if you don't want to. I get it Jett, there's no pressure, but you know, if you ever wanted to talk, just know that I'll never judge you. Ever."

"I know you won't, but Junie, it's bad. It's really really bad."

"Hey sit down," I tell him, patting he couch, "let it out. I'll never judge you, and getting it off your chest would be good for you."

"June," Jett says weakly, his voice strained, "I killed someone."

***

Dun! Dun! Dun!

PLEASE READ THIS AUTHOR'S NOTE IF YOU LOVE ME ;))

So I broke another promise, I told you that I'd update earlier, but here I am, two months later with an update that's not even quality.

I do however, have a quality excuse this time. I needed some time to myself, and I learned that's perfectly fine. My physical health was rapidly becoming an issue that I'm in the process of resolving, and more importantly, my mental health was gone. I was severely depressed and having panic attacks up to one every hour.

Writing and having to update was stressing me out big time, so I put it aside so I could deliver something good once I was well enough to write.

And I know this is short and the writing sucks, but I promise you something, and I'm being legit this time, I will update frequently. No, I don't have a set schedule, but I want to finish this book before next year, so I can focus on other Wattpad things that I can't talk about yet.

But don't think I don't cry when I think of this book. It by far is, and always will be, my first completed novel and my baby forever. Hell, I've been doing this for three years.

I love June and Jett like my own children.

And I love you more than anything else. Never stop being you.

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