Beyond my Beating Heart

Chapter seventeen: a mother's regrets

Play Child by Lights for this chapter... this song ties into the fist part of this chapter perfectly ;)

*Shelly's (June's mom) point of view*

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I finish off my last shot of the night, wasted beyond what most think is even possible. Being in this situation for almost eleven years, I have a higher alcohol tolerance than "most people." No, I am not proud, but no, I cannot go back to June. She is better off without me, she has to be. I would not even want me if I was her, and I just do not care enough to go back, I am numb to those emotions now.

Being a mother is something that is often overlooked, where almost everyone that is not a parent, thinks it is easy as any other job. I learned the hardest way possible that what they think, and what I used to think, it is not the case whatsoever.

When I first met Mark, everything was right, hell, we were only in high school, young, naïve, and blind at what the real world actually was. We fell instantly in love, without any doubts... or regrets.

Funny how everything is a regret now.

After we graduated college, we bought a house together, with the money his parents had gave us as a gift. I was certain that my life was complete, there was nothing to make it any better. Mark and I would never get in fights, we both had steady jobs, and unconditional love for one another... or so we thought.

It was early spring when I found out that I was pregnant with our first, and our only child. I was happier than ever before, head above the clouds. Sky high and never planning to go down, so was mark.

We would cry sometimes at how amazing things where, with tears of sheer joy and passion for our child and each other. But those tears would eventually turn into tears of anger and passion, for all the wrong things.

I sort of forgot that I was so far up on cloud nine, but the higher up you go the further you will fall, plummeting to rock bottom and being held there for as long as your personal future goes.

We had our daughter on April fifth, our beautiful baby Juniper Paige Calvin. I never thought love could be as strong as it was when I first looked into her beautiful, sparkling orbs of eyes. Filled with personality and determination.

But after she turned five, Mark and I were on worse terms that we had ever been on. I never knew it would end up like this. I was confused, what had we done wrong? I was angry, so angry that it got to the point where he would have to sleep on the couch because we could not even stand to spare a simple glance. But more than anything else, I was heartbroken. I would spend nights crying, trying to figure out where we went wrong.

I would ask myself how I was not only losing my husband, but my best friend in the whole world at the same time. I could physically feel myself breaking sometimes. I would try ever so hard to be the mother I had wanted to be, for Juniper's sake. I felt so young and dumb again, but I was an adult, a mother for crying out loud!

I would want to talk to my best friend, vent, and get a warm hug reassuring me that everything would be okay. Then I would remember that my best friend was a part of this whole shitty situation.

I still loved him, with all my heart, body, soul, every ounce of myself was still devoted to him. My love, and best friend I have ever had. He was gone, and by that point so was I. Gone from life, distanced, depressed, empty, full, and completely and utterly broken. Shattered into pieces that were impossible to clean up with my own two hands, or even with the help of anyone else.

The next year was the year I finally cracked, scaring myself with my psychotic like behaviors. I would yell at Mark for the smallest things, because in all honesty, in my head, all of this was his fault. He ruined me, and in those moments, I knew I ruined him.