Love On His Sleeves

Regret

Roberts Point of View

Sitting in this restaurant after Jonathan left me sitting alone my guilt had started moving up my chest and I felt like my heart was in my throat. I love him so much and I didn't want to end our relationship and now that I'm here I regret the entire thing.

You're probably wondering a lot of things right now.
1. Why is a grown man like me dealing with a high school kid nonetheless a guy.
2. If I love him like I say I do then why did I cheat. Amongst other things but to answer those two particular questions.

I met Jonathan the night of my God brother Justin's welcome to North Carolina party.

When I saw him walking through the party smiling and laughing at people's interactions I instantly felt something that drew me to want to get to know him.

Plus I thought it was refreshing that he wasn't one of those girls or guys trying to get my attention all night.

I watched him the entire night and at one point he turned around and caught me staring at what felt like to me his soul. From that point I wanted to know everything about that guy. When he saw me he ended up laughing and he bumped into Justin and Alyssa so I decided to walk over and introduce myself to him.

Justin: What up bro I didn't know you were coming, I guess that makes since why all them chicks over there yelling and screaming about that Kardashian bullshit.

You know I had to come out and support my God brother.

Justin pulled me into a handshake and a hug and we caught up and I let him know how proud and happy I was for him, following his dreams. Finally, Justin introduced me to Alyssa and him. I interjected saying, "Alyssa and I are acquainted your mother introduced us and she invited me to the party. Then I  reached my hand out for his.

I looked at this guy and thought he was the cutest thing walking. Im Rob and you are?

He extended his hand to accept my handshake but I didn't want a handshake I wanted a hug. I grabbed his hand and began softly massaging it with my thumb and pulled him closer to me. Then I whispered in his hear "Nice to meet you." I waited for his response but he just stood there frozen looking at me in my eyes. I couldn't doing anything but smile because he not only looked cute as hell but he smelled good too. For some reason I think he was wearing Johnson Johnson and it made me want to hug and hold him all night.

Justin ended up snapping him out of his daze but he didn't stop looking at me.

Justin: Hahahah man this Jonathan, Alyssa's friend. I think you got him speechless bro. But he got a sly mouth so watch out.

I chuckled a little bit still looking deep into his eyes and said I'd like to hear that sly mouth for myself.

I smiled and then touched the bottom of his chin gently shoving his head up and said, "so whats up."

The sky, he said. Alyssa rolled her eyes and pulled him away from Justin and I into the kitchen.

Justin looked at me like wtf is that and I shrugged and laughed.

Justin: you feeling Alyssa's friend or something man?

I just smiled because I honestly didn't know what I was feeling I just knew I wanted him to be apart of my life somehow. I asked what's up with him and Justin just nodded stating that him and Alyssa were close and they work together at the mall.

Justin: He's gay too Rob, but I didn't know you were into dudes.

Honestly I didn't care if he was gay or not and I knew that if him and Alyssa were friends he was obviously young but I didn't care. I just felt a connection. And I'm a Pisces so I wear my heart on my sleeves.

As to why I cheated on him that was very much so complicated. At first I wasn't, I mean he had every right to think I was but I told him the truth when I said Rita and I were together for publicity. I convinced him that our relationship was serious and I wouldn't do anything to hurt him. With the help of my sisters backing me he came to understand and he let it go or so I thought.

I think the media got to his head and I blame it for how our relationship went downhill. I shouldn't have put him through that and I see it now.

We ended up breaking up on and off because he began to not trust me after hearing little things in the media even after I told him it was all for show and majority of the shit was made up and lies. But he believed that some truth had to be there.

After awhile of the same nagging and distrust I honestly started resenting our relationship a little. Thinking to myself why did I get involved with someone so young and who lived so far away. But the distance wasn't really the problem nor his age. I just couldn't help but feel insecure about what he was doing when we weren't together in our off periods.

I mean he had every right to do something if he chose to do so because we technically weren't together a certain points but I'm not a fucking referee and I don't play about mines. So when I would hear little things here and there about Jonathan entertaining someone from Justin or someone else I would get mad and we would argue and I would sometimes do things out of spite digging myself into a bigger whole.

For example I would turn to Rita and we would go out and post photos of us together on Instagram and stuff like that. And we eventually did have sex.

And here we are now me sitting alone at this table after watching the love of my life up and leave. I honestly feel like I'm hitting rock bottom and wish I could take everything I did wrong back.

Phone Rings:

Hello what's up?

Khloe: Rob wtf happened I thought y'all were in a good place and were fixing things?

Khloe look when we got here he literally flipped the script on me. I thought we were in a good place to. But it was like he saw something in his phone and he felt like he deserved more. I love him and I just wanted to give him time to breathe and live his life without me causing havoc in it but he said this was the end. I don't know what to do.

Khloe: Look Rob I obviously don't know everything but I do know he loves you and I don't feel like this is the end for you two but this could be good for both of you and it's what you wanted. I just needed you to show up for him and let him know you're not giving up. He called me and I just want you both to be happy okay.

Alright Khlo.. I love you thanks I'll talk to you later.

Phone call ends

I leave the restaurant and smile because even though things took a turn. I saw that Jonathan was finally going to be able to get over a lot of hurt and that's all I want. I originally planned for us to talk and me express to him that I wanted him to be free of me for awhile and that I will eventually win him back and come back the man he deserves. But it seems as though we both got something out of today.

I feel nothing but regret and see nothing but possibilities for him.