What Are the Odds, Karma?

27

We were finally back in the states with very little complications. Some of the girls had had difficulties getting ahold of family, but they eventually called back once messages were left. Spencer had been quiet since the day we got him and somewhat distant. I knew all of this was to be expected, but he seemed to be a million miles away from even me and Lucinda every time we tried to talk.

The doctors had continued to monitor him for his condition and said he would be fine within a few days physically. Mentally was what they were concerned about and suggested he meet with a group who talked regularly. I think Spencer was too ashamed to say no while we sat and listened to the doctor's recommendation.

"Sweetheart?" I rubbed his back gently as we laid in bed for the night. Luce and Veronica were leaving in the morning to go back home. For now, we would stay here until given the clear to return as well.

Spencer tensed slightly when he felt my hand touch him. I didn't retract while I just rubbed circles along his shoulders.

"Hmm?" He didn't roll over as I knew he probably couldn't bear to face what he kept doing when I touched him.

"You know you're safe right?"

This time he did roll to face me and cupped my face with his hands. I tried to keep the shock from my expression. This was the first form of contact he had initiated since being back and it was killing me inside how much I craved his touch.

"I know, things are just... different." He pressed his lips to my forehead while I closed my eyes. I would take this if that's all he could give me.

"They are, but I'm still here okay?" Whether he believed things were okay or not was another story and it wasn't the time to press him.

Gently I brought my hand up to his cheek and just rested it there. He sighed and just laid there looking at me for a few moments. "Lydia... I can't even express how... ashamed I am."

"Ashamed of what Spencer?"

"They wouldn't stop." He shook his head and tried to rid the memory from his mind while I thought of what to say. Nothing was going to make it any better.

"It'll take time love. Remember when I wouldn't let you touch me?"

He just nodded as I could tell he was fighting internally not to go back and relive the nightmare again.

"You'll be able to get past it. Luce and I will help you get through this. You aren't alone."

"I'm afraid." He looked back up with tears forming. "I've never been so afraid. I tried to fight, I killed so many people just to have them take me back. When I saw you the first time, it made me think it was over, but yet it was only worse. All they would talk about was me and how they would violate me in ways I never imagined."

"Shh," I scooted closer and wrapped my arms around his back as he shook. I had no words for him as I tried to soothe his silent crying as best as I could. Seeing him broken was nothing no one had ever experienced and it was quite scary.

"Closing my eyes makes me remember it all." He murmured, "I'm ashamed to even think about touching you for the fact of what's happened."

"You aren't them Spencer."

"They nearly forced me to rape Hannah."

My breath caught and I felt tears fall from his eyes as he shook in my arms. These sick bastards were going to rot in hell for what they did.

His hands brought one of mine to where his heart was as I felt it pounding. "This is what happens when you place a hand on me. And I can't fight the fear of wanting to run."