My Own Love Story (COMPLETED)

Chapter 12

EOS SANDLER

Nandito ako, tinatanaw siya mula sa malayo. Aaminin ko, nung una ay naguguluhan ako kung sino ba sa kanila ang mahal ko—kung si Saiph ba o ang kapatid niya. I started to doubt what I felt the moment when people around us kept on asking me if I love Saiph or was I just using her to forget the love I had for her sister. I started second-guessing my sentiments when they asked me whether I really do love her or was it just because I'm seeing her sister in her.

Sabi nila, baka nasasabi ko lang daw na mahal ko si Saiph dahil sa magkamukhang-magkamukha sila ng kapatid niya.

Ang gago ko, oo. Pero aaminin kong nung una oo, naguguluhan din talaga ako. Kwinestyon ko rin ang nararamdaman ko. Kwinestyon ko ang sarili ko.

Pero nung araw na kinailangan kong umalis at iwanan siya, dun ko narealize kung ano talaga ang nararamdaman ko. I love her—no ifs and buts, no because of this and not that. I just love her and that's all I know.

But now to be honest, I'm not sure how else to continue telling all of this—to be honest and blunt, I'm in floods of tears. I'm not sure as well if these utterances will hurt her, but if only I'm given the chance to tell her everything, I'd definitely tell it with a deep sadness—my heart is aching so much that I could not really help but cry a river in secrecy. Perhaps the love I have for her is as heavy as the sadness I am dealing with right now. It's painful enough that I keep hoping one day she will see how deeply embedded my love for her is, and how deeply it has wounded my heart.

Looking back in the old days, if I remember rightly, the first time I must have seen her was when the wind was blowing and beautiful flowers from such a tree started falling little by little to the ground. She just underneath that tree, and I could see how enchanting she seemed to be at the time—she was enveloped by dainty flower petals, some of which touched down on her head. And it was then that I started to realize my heart started beating for her.

Undoubtedly, love is enchanting—no surprise given I have seen it in her that same day. But I actually think enchanting things are just not for me. Put it another way, I'm starting to lose hope and think that she is not for me either.

I tried and tried to cross her enchanted horizons. I struggled at times with every step she took that I ended up staring at her back—the steps are just too far for me to catch up. I withstood those years, mesmerized only by secret little fleeting glimpses of her in my eyes, clinging to the hope to see a glimpse of myself in hers someday. Perhaps I was too enchanted at that time that I thought for a moment—everything's a piece of love somewhere. And I'm still wanting to know 'til now if it was truly a piece of love.

Then if it's the best scenario, I'm not sure why my heart just breaks every time I think of her. It becomes even more hard and painful because it's cold and lonely to feel the same way even after how many years. What obviously hurts the most is that I kept trying to keep the pain under wraps, tricking myself that it might just be a part of an enchanting love.

But now that I've tried to try to ponder again on that day when I first saw her, and I can't ignore now the fact that everything makes my heart ache all so much, as if this is being ripped to shreds behind. Only now have I came to the realization that all those steadily falling pieces of dainty flower petals have turned into something new after all these years—they became fragments of my broken heart.

"Zup pare." Biglang sabi ni Adler saka niya tinapik ang balikat ko at naupo sa harapan ko.

Napatingin na lang ako sa kanya at tinanguan siya.

"Masokista ka ba? Alam mo na ngang masasaktan ka, bakit tinitingnan mo pa rin?" Bigla ay sabi naman ni Stella saka niya 'ko inirapan.

Ngumiti lang ako sa kanila, hindi alam ang isasagot. Dahil kung ikukumpara at titimbangin ko ang sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon, walang wala pa 'to sa sakit na naidulot ko sa kanya noon.