If I Just Lay Here. // Destiel

Ruined

Dean ignores the constant calls he gets on the journey to the hospital and, tries to work out what he wants to say to Castiel. When he gets to the hospital there is no one at reception, he tries talking to anyone that walks past to ask them where Cas is. He eventually decides to try and find him on his own, following the arrows, not even sure what department he should be looking for. He asks every nurse, doctor and midwife he sees along the way, none of them seem to want to help. However, just as he's about to give up a tall doctor approaches him and puts a hand on his shoulder.
"Mr Winchester?"
"Yeah," Dean replies through panting breaths. "I've come to see,"
"Castiel? Yes I know. Right this way." Dean was close, only a few doors down from where Dean had got to. He doubles back when he sees Cas' bruised face and blood stained hospital gown, the amount of wires going into his arms and just about everywhere else on his body. Cas is only vaguely awake, but out of it due to the drugs they've put him on. His eye is so swollen it's almost clamped shut and his speech is unclear. The bullet wound in his head looks serious.
"Is he gonna be okay?" He doesn't look at the doctor,
"We can't be sure. We can't get the bullet out at the minute, if that takes longer than a couple of hours to be able to reach then I wouldn't hold out much hope." Dean exhales shakily.
"He's gonna die."
"Unless he makes a miracle recovery, the bullet is too far into him to be able to get out."
"What, what happened to him?"
"Hit and run from what we know. Shot by a randomer in the street." Dean sits in the chair next to Cas. "I'll leave you two alone."
"Hey Cas." Castiel looks at Dean and whispers,
"Hey." Dean looks at him.
"Long time."
"Yeah."
"Cas. I'm sorry. About everything I said and did that day. And I didn't call you, we could've fixed us but I refused to call and, and,"
"I'm sorry too."
"One thing. Why am I down as your next of kin?"
"Because," he flinches, Dean puts his hand on Castiel's, who uses his other hand to pull his oxygen mask away from his face, leaving his speech clearer and easier to make out. "Because, you're the only person, the only one who'd, who'd come."
"What about your family." Cas shook his head.
"I wanted to get back in touch with you Dean." Dean nods.
"Me too."
"I was scared."
Dean nods, tears appearing in the corners of his eyes.
"Cas. Don't blame yourself. This is my fault for being stubborn. You were right, Sam had other people, he didn't need me by his side." Dean was crying now. "If I'd, if I'd have just gone with you. Back to Yale." Cas begins to cry with Dean, but silently. "If I'd have come back then, then we'd still be together. We could've got a job together and moved in. Oh God." Dean sniffs and breathes through the tears. "Eight years. We're finally together and now i have to watch you die. And. I can't." Dean puts his head on Cas' leg and sobs into the blanket on top of him.
"Dean. I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry for."
"Yeah I do. I never apologised. For," Dean looks at him, his face stained with tears. "For what?"
"For loving you." Cas sobs with Dean now, while Dean moves up the bed and wraps his arms around Cas' neck and cries into his shoulder. Dean lifts his head away and plants a messy kiss on Cas' lips. This is the best kiss they have had in their whole time together all those years ago. Even though Cas' lips are cold and Dean's covered in salty tears. They still savoured it. Neither of them had anyone in their time apart, sure, they had the odd fling, but never anything more. Never anything like they'd had with each other.
"I was going to propose. That morning. I decided to wait after we'd heard about Sam." Dean starts crying again.
"And I'd have said 'yes'."

Dean's head is resting on Cas' leg as he sleeps, dreaming about, what they could've had. He dreams about a large house, with an outdoor pool out back. And two young kids running around, Charlie's son and their son. Charlie, pregnant with their surrogate second child. Their son would be called Tobias and the daughter due in less than a week would be Claire. Cas' favourite name. He dreams about taking them grocery shopping and stopping off to get a pizza on the way home, and saying it was a reward for their good behaviour, when in actual fact it was because they couldn't be bothered to cook. He dreams about play dates with Sam, Jess, Charlie and Jo, and all of their kids playing in the pool, having fun. And then in his dream, he hears a scream, and sees Sam dive in the pool, and pull Cas and Dean's baby girl out, she isn't breathing. She could normally swim perfectly. She'd got certificates. He dreams about Cas breathing life into the body of their four year old. He dreams of her funeral. Only a quick glimpse. But quick enough to know what's going on. He dreams of finding Cas hanging from the ceiling with a belt round his neck. He sees his heaven fade away around him, now at Cas' funeral. He watches Cas' limp body fade into nothingness. And then he wakes up.

Dean wakes up. But Cas doesn't.
Dean looks around and instantly knows, the blue lips and the cold hands, Dean doesn't know how long he's been asleep, but it's like his dream. His dream that slowly turned into a nightmare. He saw Cas fade in their dream. That didn't hit him as hard though. That wasn't real. This is. This is real.