Okay so I was cleaning my closet and I found a box of all my old cds, and I found a bunch of old movie soundtracks I bought off eBay one time. But the one that caught my eye was the Meet The Robinsons soundtrack.
That movie impacted my life.
I thought it was so cool and i really wanted to make a memory scanner and shot and be a genius like Lewis.
So I was like, "I should watch this."
that was such a bad decision.
I got so fucking emotional because I really related to Lewis on more than a brainiac level, cause he had gone through his whole life thinking that nobody really wanted him and that he had no future of having a proper family and feeling wanted.
And for the longest time, and now even, my family is so busy with my sisters playing hockey, volleyball, basketball, soccer, and everything in between, I always feel like I'm the one that always kind of gets left out. I mean, no one really even cared that I got cut from the softball team. And I always feel like I'm the odd kid out of the group, cause there's 5 of us kids, ranging from 9 to 16, and everyone else is all really sporty and athletic, but me, who's also the oldest, is seriously struggling with the sports situation.
And when I'm around, I feel like I'm never truly wanted, or no one ever wants me around or there. I have a bedroom in the basement. Alone.
Sometimes I just feel like I'm just a mistake that my parents made, and me being created started the falling out of their marriage and sometimes I feel like it's all my fault and that everything that's happened so far to my family has been my fault, and I feel like if I had never even been born, then none of this stuff would have happened.
And every time my dad looks at me, I get that look from him that says, "you're the kid I never wish I had." or "you're such a screw-up"
And whenever he yells at me, I cry, and he gets mad at me for crying, and tells me I should toughen up, but I can't help it. I can't help but bawl my eyes it and get emotional when I already have so many emotions just balled up in my body that I can't let out.
Whenever he yells at me, i feel like everything's my fault and that I'm a worthless piece of crap, and that he hates my guts.
I just wish that he was would say for once in his life that he was proud of me. Even if I've got cut from every team I've ever tried out for, he's never said he was proud of me for trying, and sometimes I wish I could get that from him. Just once.
This got so offtrack but this chapter is mainly me just letting it all out on the table.
