Meant to be His (COMPLETED!)

26. Letting go

AMBER'S POV

It had taken everything in me to not breakdown right there.
But as soon as I reached home with Jen, I let everything flow through me. Every tear, every dread, every hope and every emotion.
I know Dad was worried about me but I couldn't bring myself to care. I wanted to be numb for a while. To not feel anything.

I imagined myself with mom, with my head in her lap and her fingers running through my hair, soothing me and telling me that everything would be okay. But I knew that it was just my wistful thinking.
Neither was mom going to be soothing me nor was everything going to be okay.

I just laid there in bed letting my tears flow, trying to imagine myself in some alternate universe where I was happy. Where everything was perfect and I didnot have to worry about anything.

But my reality was far from happy.
Just when I was trying to let everything go and be happy, to move forward, reality had to slap me in the face and bring me back to where I had picked up all the pieces from.
My body shuddered thinking about it.
And like never before, I wished that I had a switch so I could shut down all my emotions.

My life had become like a never ending nightmare, without a ray of light at the end of the tunnel. Where there was no hope and I didnot know who I should turn to.
I wanted to not be strong for a while and for someone else to do it for me. To be there for me.

Thinking about everything, I didnot realise when my eyes closed and sleep engulfed me.

I was awoken from my restless sleep by loud banging on the door.
Looking at the night clock, I realised that it that half past 2 in the night. I didnot know what to make of the untimely interruption but whoever was banging the door was quite persistent.
Before they woke up the neighbours, I decided to open the door.
And I hadn't prepared myself for who was at the door.

"I...I...Da...Mr. Reed...wha..what are you doing here at this time" I finally managed the last few words without stuttering.

"So now we are back to being formal,eh"
I merely looked at his face trying to understand the situation.

"Mind inviting me in. I need to talk to you"

"I am sure whatever it was that you want to talk about could wait till the morning"

"No, I donot want to give anymore time for things to worsen, more than they already have"
I didnot want to invite him in but I wanted to be done with whatever he had to say.
And soon I found Dad too in the living room. But realising the situation, he turned to his room, giving us some privacy. But Damien's voice stopped him
"Sir, I would like you to be here for whatever I have to say"
And looking at Dad, I could see he and surprised. However, he urged Damien to continue.

"Um...I.." he was nervous but suddenly as if his moment of weakness was just an imagination, he squared his shoulders and looking directly into my eyes, he spoke,
"Amber, I know that whatever happened today was not how the evening was planned. But it happened. And I want you to know I do not hold you responsible for whatever happened....today or before. Whatever happened to Dylan was unfortunate and nothing could have prevented that.
I donot want to see the self blame and self reproach in your eyes when Dylan's name is brought up"
He looked into my eyes as if searching for something.

And then continued,
"Dylan will forever be a part of our lives and neither of us want him being remembered with feelings of guilt. But with the moments of happiness that he shared with us"
He said it looking directly into my eyes, as if looking into my soul.
The words spoken with so much conviction that I couldn't help but believe him.

I could feel myself crying but I couldn't bring myself to make a sound incase I broke the moment that we were sharing.

Analysing his words, I realised that this is exactly what I have been doing.
Remembering Dylan with tears, broken hopes and guilt. I had somehow tainted even our happy memories with my tears.
Instead, I should cherish whatever I had with Dylan.
It was unfortunate that we did not get enough time together but looking back, I realised that whatever time we spent together, we had been happy.
I found myself nodding my head as if just realising Daminen's words.

And in that moment, I decided to let go. The sadness, the guilt, the lost times, everything.
This was exactly what I had been craving for. For someone to tell me what deep down I already knew.
For someone to have confidence in me and be there for me.
To make me realise that Dylan should be my 'happy past' and not 'sad future'.
With this, I felt my heart and body become lighter as if a weight had been lifted.

I turned to my Dad and found myself being engulfed in his arms. The security of a parent is exactly what I needed right now.

Damien cleared his throat which startled me and brought me out of our daddy-daughter moment.
And in the same moment, I saw my baby wobbling to where we were standing and squealed loudly seeing Damien.
And just like that, the tension in the air diffused.

I was still in my daddy's embrace and seeing Damien interacting with Jenny made me so happy. It was like a perfect moment.
Which I wanted to capture and keep with me forever.
For maybe this was the last time, Damien would want anything to do with us.

I still couldnot help but think if this was the only reasom why Damien was here. To help me. To help me move on.
Was he the guiding angel in my life. Was his role in my life over.
Would I not see him again.
This thought pinched my heart. Seeing both my daughter and Damien together, I couldn't help but feel sad that he would be no more in our lives.
For after everything that had happened, I finally admit to myself that I want him in my life. In our life.
But he is like a forbidden fruit.

Still I am happy for how the night turned out. That one that had started with the anticipation of meeting Damien's family, unravelling of the painful truth, the despair and guilt that followed and finally letting go.

I felt myself push more into Dad's chest and him kissing my temple. At the same time, I saw Jenny hugging Damien and him kissing her temple.

The moment was perfect.
Almost like a family!
Almost!

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