A Constellation of Thoughts

she fell in hate with me

when i saw her for the first time, i stepped on her stupid shoe. 

She was the one who helped me stop with the constant  clearing of my throat, and the tapping of my feet, and how i applied my makeup. How i felt about myself. 

I felt myself going down, once more. 

the fourth time sense May 19, 2015. 

I asked her out, a month after we met, and it felt like an eternity. 

and i loved her, oh god i loved her, i loved every inch of her scar plastered skin, and how she had to hum "hmm, hmm." every time i sneezed. 

i thought her attachment was weird, i thought her stepping on cracks was a bit off. I also thought the way we held hands, and she always dug her nails, under my nails to make sure that there was nothing there. 

But then, pretty soon, she would only pick my thumb nail. 

and i made her do my other thumb because it didn't feel right, i felt uneasy. 

she gladly did it, because she understood. 

i stopped picking my skin, 

and then i started again. 

she had one freckle on her cheek, and i know you're supposed to adore those things, but i couldn't because it wasn't aligned. 

she loved those things about me, because i saw the worst in everything. She also loved it, because i could see the best things in everything. 

I would kiss her, with everything i had, goodness she made me feel special. But i felt myself leaving my body, i couldn't leave her alone for more than an hour, i had to be talking to her. 

I had to hold her right hand, and i had to hug her with my shoulders over hers, and i had to kiss her on the upper lip, never the bottom. 

I could feel it, and she fell deeper in hate with me. 

Never inlove, 

and i felt her leaving. She stopped making plans with  me every weekend, 

and when she held my hand, she never picked both nails, only one.

when i stepped twice on the concrete, and never on the cracks, she would walk in front of me. 

she stopped talking to me, stopped replying. 

and she broke me, i started clearing my throat again, i started picking. 

oh goodness, i cant find someone new, i cant. It bugs me because she's kissing a boy now, who kisses her on the bottom lip, not on the top. And she picks his nails, like she did mine, and she wears his sweatshirt and not mine. 

she fell in hate. 

(A/N : i wrote this after a really horrible breakup, this isn't how i feel now.)