A Constellation of Thoughts

gianna

dear gianna, 

i feel you leaving. 

and there is a slim, to no chance you will ever receive this, but i want you to know, I've been listening to the music you love, and i used to hate. I've been obsessing over this, and you. You haven't been with me for almost two weeks, and i know i sound clingy, but i promise it isn't like that. I'm like this because i'm scared i'll lose you, and i cant go out, i can't go out and find someone new, my brain doesn't work like that. It doesn't click with people, i have a hard enough time making friends, please understand, i'm not weirdly obsessed with you, it's just something i can't help. I adore you, and i promise it's not weird like that. It really isn't. I have a reason why i'm like this, i swear, i'm scared you're going to leave. That's why i'm like this, and if you end whatever we have, i don't think i'd ever feel for someone the way i feel for you. I can promise you that, whenever you leave, because i know you will, not that i want you too. 

I've worked through myself, wanting to push you away and telling you to go away, so i wouldn't get hurt later. please, i swear i'm trying, and this is so fucking hard, hardest thing i've ever done if i'm being honest, and it's not hard to love you, it's hard to love myself, but i've never wanted someone to leave, and stay at the same time, as bad as i do right now, 

goodness i love you, and it scares me that you have the ability to leave me, and it's going to hurt. i can assure you of that.