Worth Waiting For

Part 8

Phil's POV

I'm alone in my room when I hear the front door slam. Dan's back.

I quickly try to wipe my face to disguise the fact that I've been crying. A glance in the mirror shows that my eyes are still red and puffy – I'm a mess. I blink rapidly in an attempt to make myself look normal again.

It's like this all the time now. When no one's around, I let myself shatter into a million pieces, an outlet for all the pain I feel. I used to just do it when Dan was out, but then it started when he'd gone to bed. He even heard me a few times, he tried to come in and comfort me. But he's stopped coming now. I guess I must be so broken that even he can't stick me back together again.

I pull my laptop towards me as I hear Dan's footsteps in the hallway outside. I open it, trying to make it look like I've been browsing all day. Not crying my heart out over a boy who could never love me.

"Hey" says Dan as he pushes open my bedroom door tentatively.

"Hey" I reply, dragging my face into as much of a smile as I can muster. "How was your friend?"

"Oh they were great. Just went for a coffee and a walk, had a good chat."

"Great" I look back at my computer, but I can feel Dan's worried gaze.

"Aaah, I um..." Dan clears his throat. "I was wondering if you wanted to watch a movie tonight? Spirited Away maybe? I know you love that film"

All I want to do right now is crawl under my duvet and sleep forever, but I know Dan won't let me.

"Ok... sure" I feel tears starting to form in my eyes, and I blink them away. Why does it have to hurt so much?

"Good, I'll order some pizza then" and he leaves.

***

The pizza has arrived, and I'm perched on the sofa, smothered in a blanket. Dan is beside me, happily munching his food. We're about halfway through the film, but I haven't really been focusing on it.

I just can't stop thinking about Dan. How on earth am I going to cope with not telling him? How much longer can this go on for? The crying, the hurting, the breaking apart inside? How am I going to get through the rest of my life when I share it with the one person who is causing me the most pain? I honestly can't see a way out of this.

"Phil?"

I look up to see Dan staring at me. The film has finished.

"Phil, what's wrong?" You love that movie but you weren't even paying attention" Dan's eyes become sadder as I continue to blankly stare into them.

He sighs and I can tell something bad is coming.

"Phil can you please tell me what's wrong? For the past few months you've not been yourself. You've been sad all the time, moping around, constantly crying... I keep asking you what's wrong but I never get an answer. We've been best friends for years but you never even talk to me anymore. I've tried to help you Phil, I've tried to give you space and let you know I'm here for you, but it hasn't helped at all. Every night, I hear you crying. And I don't know what to do, I just don't know anymore." He's crying now. "I'm supposed to be your best friend, and I don't even know how to help you. It's killing me to see you like this, and I don't think I can stand it any longer. Please Phil, just let me in."

I sit there; frozen in shock as tears stream down the face of the boy I love. Tears caused by me.

"I thought the film would cheer you up, then I could tell you something, something I need to tell you" my heart leaps "but it hasn't done anything, and you won't even tell me what's wrong."

Dan covers his face with his hands, and tears begin to fall own my face too. I can't hurt him like this. He needs to know. So I take a breath.

"I... I need..." I stutter, the words I so desperately need to speak escaping me.

Dan looks up.

"What is it Phil? You can tell me anything"

I swallow.

"I need... to tell you..." I curl my fingers tightly into the blanket, hoping the pain will help my brain to find the right words. "I need to tell you something" I choke out.

"Ok" Dan's face relaxes a little "how about you tell me your thing, and then I'll tell you mine"

I nod.

"Take your time Phil, I'm not rushing you."

I struggle to control my tears, my face screwed up in concentration.

"Dan, I..." something inside of me snaps.

"Dan, I love you" I collapse in relief as I finally manage to say the words that have tortured me for so long. I look up to see Dan's reaction, and what I see cuts my elation short.

His face has turned white and his body has gone rigid.

"Dan?" I see his mouth open, but no sound comes out.

"What did you want to tell me?" I ask, my hopes pinned on the next three words that come out of his mouth.

"Phil..." he begins, his eyes still wide with shock.

"Phil -"

My heart picks up speed.

"-Phil I've got a girlfriend"

My world shatters.