Worth Waiting For

Part 17

Phil's POV

It took a few hours for PJ to calm me down but he at last persuaded me to take a walk to clear my head. I guess PJ wanted to get me out of the house in case Dan comes looking for me. And I need to escape.

PJ bundles me out of the door, smiling. As the door clicks shut, I hear a few words of PJ's muffled phone conversation –

"He's gone; you can come over n-"

Too immersed in my thoughts, I immediately forget it.

I decide to go on a walk down to the seafront. I've always loved the sea; the gentle breeze, the regular sound of the waves lapping onto the sand. I need that escapism, to feel like I'm the only one there. Letting my problems be carried away by the breath of the wind.

As I stroll down the quiet Brighton streets, I can smell the sea. The saltiness in the air; carried by the cool breeze which caresses my skin as I breathe out slowly. I approach the seafront, making for one of the benches overlooking the beach.

I sit there, watching the world go by. It's an odd feeling, like you're an observer, on the outside looking in. There's a feeling of detachment from what is going on around you. I watch children race down the beach, laughing. Splashing around in the sparkling water. Older couples walk dogs, gazing fondly into each other's' eyes. A teenager rides a skateboard, whipping past in a blur of colour. Seagulls swoop low and race back up into the sky, hunting for scraps of food dropped by picnicking families. The birds skim the water, almost breaking the surface, but not quite. Then they catch the updraft, soaring into the cloudless sky. They adjust their wings in the breeze, like a dancer steadying themselves. How wonderful it would be to be that free, to soar above the waves, basking in the sun's warming rays.

But even these graceful birds, as carefree as they seem, must have responsibilities. Young mouths to feed, partners to care for. Even they can never truly be 'free'.

And then neither am I. I still have responsibilities, duties I need to perform. I need to look after my own family, look after my friends, look after myself – even I am bound by my obligations. I have to make videos, attend events, talk to people and answer emails to do my job. I can't run away, or I would lose everything I have.

Everyone has low points in their life, but what truly defines you is how you get back up. When you are knocked down, you can struggle; never quite get back to where you were. Or you can face your fears, boldly rising above where you were before. Surpassing it. Surpassing yourself. That is what makes us who we are. And this is why I must face this with all I have.

Maybe in a few years I will look back on this time and laugh. Laugh at how childish I was, remembering the sense of helplessness I had. Maybe by then I will be happy again.

But getting back up again will take a while. It cannot be achieved overnight, but I need to work to repair it. It will take time, but I'll get there.

I wonder what Dan is doing, what he's feeling. I wonder if he regrets how he acted. We've been close for so many years, it feels strange not to have him around, I wonder if he misses me too, like my heart aches for him.

I couldn't have kept my feelings for longer, it was driving us apart. By wanting something more, I severed what we had already. I miss him every day, even as a friend. I miss our one am conversations, delirious from lack of sleep. I miss playing games with him, I miss making videos with him. But most of all, I miss just knowing that he's there.

I think I will forgive him, in time. I don't think there was any better way he could have reacted in that moment, but it will take time to accept.

I let my eyes sweep across the promenade, watching people go past. So many lives, paths crossing, relationships forming. We are all equal here, all together to enjoy the sea-

My gaze snags on a figure about a hundred metres away. A young male in his twenties, dressed mostly in black. He seems to be looking for something, those familiar eyes brimming with sorrow.

No. No. I can't.

Dan is here; he's looking for me. He must have decided to come after me after he found out where I was. This is- this is too much. I'm not ready-

I run. I run back to PJ's, my legs carrying me through the streets. I can't face him, not yet. This is too soon.

So I run, leaving the dark-haired boy to search.