Worth Waiting For

Part 21

Dan's POV

I'm out with Victoria.

And finally realised what the feeling I have whenever I'm with her is. It's guilt.

Guilt that I'm being fake around her, that I'm pretending to be someone I'm not. Guilt not only that I'm faking it, but that she believes it all.

I feel like the worst person in the world.

But I'm trying to make it work, I really am. I'm trying to remember why I fell in love with her all those months ago, what I thought I felt towards her. But something just doesn't feel... right.

I do care about her, and I like being around her. But we don't have the same closeness I had with Phil. I'm not completely at ease with her the way I was with Phil. It doesn't feel the same.

Although I guess I'll never have Phil that way again. I've completely destroyed his heart, and obliterated my own in the fallout.

I can't shake off this despair after what happened. It's all I can think about, every waking minute. I can't see the happiness in the world anymore; everything just looks grey and faded. I feel dead inside.

I've tried to hide it from Victoria, but I think she knows I'm not ok. She keeps trying to help me, but I keep brushing her off. I know it's upsetting her, but I don't seem to be able to anything else.

As I gaze into her piercing green eyes, I see the world around me in monochrome. I can see the sadness reflected in her eyes, but I have no idea what to do about it.

"Dan..." her voice is heavy "I know everything's a bit much right now, but you need to get over this" she chews her lip "I'm trying to help you, but you just ignore me. I feel like I can't reach you anymore." Shimmering diamonds of tears form in the corners of her eyes. I feel numb. "Tell me, Dan. Tell me what I can do to help."

I stare at her, taking in her raven hair, so like Phil's. The stark contrast of her bright eyes against her pale skin, just like Phil's. I wonder if part of me did love her, or if she was purely a replacement for the one I couldn't admit to myself that I loved. The one I have finally realised I loved all along.

How cruel is love, to make this happen? To make me deceive another, even tricky no myself into thinking I was in love with them, only to drive away the one I truly loved. To break his heart, and to break my soul. How cruel is love?

Victoria makes to move towards me, when my phone rings.

"Hello?"

"Hi" its PJ, I can hear the panic in his voice.

"I told you I was out today, or do you just want to yell at me?" My voice sounds devoid of life.

"Listen Dan, I need to tell you something very important" my love ok of confusion is mirrored in Victoria's face. "Phil left a note. He said he needed some space so he's going to America to stay with Martyn. He's probably on his way to the airport right now; he used my computer to book a 3.00pm flight from Heathrow." My brain starts to whir as I calculate how many minutes away the airport is. "He needs you Dan. You need to stop him before he leaves."

"I will" I promise. I end the call.

"Who was that?" Victoria asks, seeing the resolved look on my face.

I take a deep breath. This has to stop. This has to end, here. But that won't make it hurt any less "It was PJ" I begin, trying to make my voice sound strong "he said Phil left a note saying he's going to America. He's probably on his way to the airport right now." Victoria's eyes widen "and I think... I think I need to stop pretending to myself." I pause, not being able to continue for a second. Victoria's face is now a mixture of confusion and hurt. "I think... I need to stop deceiving you. You're an amazing woman, and I have enjoyed our time together." Victoria realised where this is going and begins to cry, but I continue "I'm sure one day you will find a brilliant person who loves you for who you are, but I don't think I am that person." I reach forward and take her hand "but I've finally realised who I've loved all along, who I've loved since the day I first met him. And I don't think this is going to work anymore." She is now crying quietly, and I can't help but feel sad for what I am about to lose. "I'm really sorry, but I need to be with Phil."

She nods, avoiding my gaze.

"Thank you for being honest. I love you, Dan."

I smile at her, my hand slipping out of hers as I stand. I am letting go of the lie. It's daunting, but I know it is the right decision.

And so I race off to find the boy I love. I just hope I get there in time.