april 27th; my ed (tw)

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by kiIIvmaim

by kiIIvmaim

Hi this is another sad chapter

I've never really talked about this because I've technically recovered but this is still a pretty prevalent thing in my life so I thought I might as well just talk about it.

tw!!!

I remember thinking I was fat for the first time in the summer around 2013 (maybe earlier idk for sure), but I was around the age of 10 or 11. At that same age, I googled "how to get a thigh gap" for the first time.

I remember that summer, at age 10 or 11, reading weight loss tips and tricks like the Torah.

I never really lost weight at that age, I ate like any other kid, which of course wasn't very healthy. It's hard to try and eat "healthy" when you're a kid.

I was never overweight as a kid. I've always been on the thinner side of average. I was a perfectly healthy kid, but somewhere I got the idea that I was fat, because my thighs touched and my stomach wasn't flat like a board and you couldn't see the outline of my bones under my skin.

At age 12, I discovered "pro-ana" on social media. It really pulled me in, I picked up some bad habits, but again, nothing lasted. I was still generally healthy.

When I was 13, I got pulled into "pro-ana" again, but this time, it lasted.

I had my starting weight, current weights, and goal weights meticulously planned out. I counted calories in everything, anytime I would eat more than I was supposed to, I would either exercise myself to oblivion or make myself throw it all up. I lost about 30-40 lbs. maybe, leaving me at my lowest weight of 89 lbs. (I'm about 5'4/5'5 btw, and 89 lbs. is dangerously underweight for that height)

Thankfully for me, this all started happening around the same time I got admitted to the hospital after attempting suicide. In the hospital they track how much you eat, and basically make you eat, and they refuse to tell you how many calories are in anything; so of course those behaviors discontinued.

While the behaviors didn't continue, the mindset never changed. The calculator in my brain kept counting, but I ate anyway. And I ate a lot. After being in the hospital I was started on new medication, some side effects including increased appetite, leading to weight gain.

I didn't gain much maybe 10 lbs., at my highest weight I was probably 133 lbs.. But I hated it. I was so disappointed in myself for allowing myself to gain that much weight. But I ate anyway.

In February 2016 my meds were changed, I was taken off the ones that caused me to gain weight, and the new meds that ended up working the best had an opposite affect. It suppressed my appetite. A lot.

I barely ate. Ever. Even just sensing food nearby would make me gag. It honestly wasn't on purpose, I was starving myself with knowing; until I started losing weight like crazy. At my lowest weight in October 2016, I was 95 lbs., and even though that is dangerously low for someone of my height, I was elated. 95 lbs. and I still ate whatever I wanted. I didn't even have to try. 95 lbs. didn't last though, I stayed at about 110-115 for the summer and most of the fall.

But over the past few months I've gained weight, currently at about 120 lbs., which is a healthy weight for me.

I wanted this to be a story about recovery. But writing this I realized, I never recovered. My mindset never changed even when I was at 95 lbs.. I still tracked calories and exercised more than I should've and eaten less than I really wanted to. I never recovered, I gained weight naturally.

This isn't a story of recovery. This never ended. It continues every single day of my life. I've eaten lunch at school probably a grand total of 3 times. I count my calories everyday. Anytime I go over, I exercise it all off.

Everyday I look in the mirror, or step on a scale, it's a battle.

If this were a story about recovery, I would say that if you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, or might be; tell someone, call a hotline, get help. But this is not a story of how I recovered. It's just a story.