Oblivion

I remember it so clearly.. I was laying in my bed, mummy had said it was bed time and sent me to bed. I was almost asleep when I heard the door open. It's was daddy. When the door was closed, he walked over to me and I sat up.

"What's wrong daddy?" I has asked. He just stayed silent, reaching out be out his hands on my arms. He had leaned in close. So close our noses were almost touching.

All he said was "shh don't tell mum." I remember being confused but I stayed quiet anyways. Then he leaned in and kissed my cheek. Then my neck. Then my shoulder. Slowly taking my shirt off as he went. Then my pants..

I remember it so clearly. Him telling me to lay down. The overwhelming pain of him thrusting into me. I remember screaming and crying for my mummy, and him pushing my face into the pillow. Drowning out any noise I made. I remember him going harder and harder.

"Good boy" he had said after he finished. Leaving my room but not before reminding me not to tell mum.

It went on for years. Every night he would sneak in and I would make myself as emotionless as possible, as if it would help if I just staid still and let him have his way. I would try to tell someone but he somehow always found out. I usually ended up with a few bruises. It got to be to much so I just stopped trying. I became numb to the things he would do to me. I would act as if nothing happened to my sister and mum. It's just the way things were.

And now I'm 17 and still deal with this torture. I let him do it, I know I could defend myself but the things he says and the things he does... I can't. I can't did the strength to do it. I would stay with someone else, except I have no one. I guess they see how truly disgusting I am. I dot blame them.i live in constant fear that he'll hurt me and so will everyone else. Physically, Emotionally, mentally. I'm so traumatized and afraid, but can you blame me?

At school I get treated like shit. I supposedly go to school to get away from this but honestly it isn't any better. There's a kid, Chris, he makes my life even worse. Since freshman year, I don't know why.. I've never done anything to anyone. Am I really that awful? am I really that disgusting and ugly to the point where people whisper things behind my back and have to hit me for it . they used to never hit me but then it started getting worse and worse . if they don't hit me they just say mean things . but I guess I deserve it . everything my dad says to me is true .. and everything they say to me is true .

my sister - Jessica or j as i call her -is completely oblivious to what happens . we go to the same school except shes a senior and shes popular . she basically tells me not to talk to her or it'll "ruin her reputation". I don't even know what that means .. shes a cheerleader and she goes out with this football player named tom . hes a douche bag though .. they claim their in love but I honestly don't care . I try telling her but she basically acts like I don't exist .

And mum well .. I guess I cant really call her my mum . shes never around . shes always "busy" . I know she hates me . I kow they all hate me .. who wouldn't . shes a business woman but that doesn't mean she cant atleast take a little time off .. right ? Ive tried to tell someone, anyone countless times but .. its like no one cares or no one listens .

I feel as though I just jumped into freezing water and no matter how hard I kick and thrash in the water .. I cant come up for air . its like I can hear their voices above the water talking about me but I cant get up . I try and try to stay above water but its like I have a huge weight around my ankles that's keeping me under water . no matter how hard I scream for help .. it never comes .

so eventually .. I gave up .