Oblivion

chapter 3-insecurities

its Wednesday and im standing in the boys bathroom just looking at myself . ive noticed how thin ive gotten .. but not thin enough . ive noticed how long my hair has gotten too .. it makes me look even uglier . ive also noticed how the number of cuts increased on me over the past few days . im noticing all these things . I feel the tears stinging my eyes but I hold them back . what if someone walks in and sees me ? how pathetic would that be , right ? I let out a deep sigh and leave the bathroom . everyone is currently in 3rd period while im most likely 20 minutes late . but honestly I don't care . ive given up on school and people and basically all humanity because honestly this place sucks . anyone would agree . I walk to the class and knock on the door 3 times . it opens to reveal the teacher . she gives me a stern look before telling me to take my seat .

algebra . I hate it . honestly when am I ever going to need to identify the slope of something or find the x in the problem ? never . sure I need adding and subtracting for buying shit but a slope ? what the fuck is a slope even useful for . I sit in the very back like usual and put my head on my desk . this is gonna be a long class ...

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i lay here once again on the football field . arms and legs spread out while staring at the many clouds that go by . i remember how a couple of days ago zany followed me . speaking of him i haven't seen him since . maybe hes given up too ? i usually push people away but then again who would want to be with someone like me ? ive said it a thousand times and ill say it again .

im just a nobody .

so why would someone like zayn try to befriend me ? either he feels sorry for me or its just a joke . whatever i don't need anybody anyways ... and then im crying because im so terribly alone and all i want is for someone to save me . is that to much to ask for .. apparently so . i wipe my eyes and stand up when i hear the bell . i try to be as invisible as possible and hope i don't see chris . he hasent beat me up since Monday .. which now that i think about is weird ?

i walk to my 5th period which is English and sit in the middle of the class where i normally sit . English is my favorite because well ... i don't know . i guess i just love reading and sometimes the teacher gives me great books . of course i wait for everyone to leave i would want yet another reason to get beat up . the last few students walk in and the teacher starts talking about a new project we have to do . we have to create a poem that describes our life . well ... i can tell my poem will certainly not be all unicorns and rainbows . to be honest i don't want to do this assignment .. what will people think . they probably wont believe me they'll probably think im doing it for attention . i don't think i want to do this assigmnemt . the teacher finishes explaining and gives us the rest of class to starts it but i just sit there with my head down until the end of class .

as everyone is leave i walk towards the teachers desk . "uhh...miss i-im not s-sure i feel comfortable doing the poem .." i trail off not knowing how i can explain this without actually explaining this . she gives me a confused look "what do you mean liam all you have to do is write a poem about your life" she says as if its the simplest thing ever . i take a shaky breathe "that's the point ... i-i c-cant" i say barely above a whisper . fuck this i cant tell her "nevermind miss ill do it" i say quickly before walking out as fast as possible . i walk down the hall to the gym since its 7th period now .

i walk in the locker room to the very back wall of lockers . i hate gym i mean were forced to do physical activity . i quickly change into my short and shirt but then i remember the many many cuts on my arms so im forced to wear my jacket . its only spring so it should be warm outside ... which sucks . they'll probably makes us run outside and ill be hot and sweaty .. but i cant let anyone see my arms .. that would cause more problems . so i suckit up and walk into the gym where their telling us to go out and run some laps ...

4 laps down and im dying . im sweating and my chest feels like its being crushed by a weight . everytime i breath in it hurts and i cant even feel my legs . i start to slow down . it feels like my legs are going numb i can barely see straight . i can hear the gym teacher telling me to keep running but i just cant . im starting to see double and soon enough im met face to face with the ground from the track field .

i know im not passed out because i can hear people and see their shoes . my body is laying sideways and im staring straight ahead . im so tired . it hurts to move . why the fuck did i run 4 laps i can barely walk down the stairs without collapsing . im going to die right here and no one is helping . everything hurts its unbearably hot out here and i swear i just drowned everyone in my sweat . my eyes flutter closed and it feels great to just sleep .

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i woke up to a beeping noise . it was so irritating .

BEEP

BEEP

BEEP

its like when a fly passes by your ear and when its gone you still hear the buzzing . or when your trying to sleep in late and your neighbors are mowing the lawn . yeah that's what it feels like . im so tired it feels like i only slept for 10 minutes .

i finally open my eyes slowly and see that im in an unfamiliar room ... oh shit . im at the hospital . but what happened . all i remember is .. oh yeah . physical activity . fuck . i hope they didn't call my parents .. wait ..

i look to my left and sure enough my mom is sitting there and so is my dad . my mom looks up and walks over to me "oh my god liam are you okay what happened ?" she asks but i know she really doesn't care . she puts her hand on my shoulder but i shrug her off . i then notice that my arms are completely exposed . i hope they didn't notice .. oh who am i kidding they definitely noticed .

"why didn't you tell your mother and i about this .. cutting thing" he says and i have to force myself not to laugh because out of all people why the hell would he care . i just turn to look at him and give him this face . you know when someone you hate talks to you and they just keep talking but you don't want to be rude so you give them a blank expression but secretly your murdering them 20 times .. yeah that's the type of look i gave him .

"fuck off you guys don't care" ok maybe that was a little harsh but it was mainly going towards him and not my mother . he just looks at me and i know that look . i feel as though hes trying to tell me 'oh your gonna get it' without actually saying anything . and by your gonna get it iim pretty sure he means it in both ways . i can just imagine what'll happen when i go home .

"when can i leave" i say in an emotionless tone . mom tells me soon and that the reason i passed out was because of dehydration and i was pushing myself to hard . great . someone probably told chris and hes probably going to think im even whimpier than before . but the good thing about all of this is , is that ill be in the hospital tongith and dad wont do those ... things .

i sigh in reliefe before asking my parents to leave . well parent i wouldn't even consider him a parent . they leave and im forced to listen to that irritating beeping sound all night .

atleast tonight dad wont come in here and do those things to me . eventually i fall asleep and think about that lovely world i imagine all the time .