The Anatomy of a Broken Heart //Completed//

45. Santana

The first time I kissed Jasper, I was terrified. It wasn't he who scared me, and it wasn't the fact that he was kissing me. I wanted him to kiss me, craved it even, but I knew that the moment his lips touched mine, there'd be no turning back. And I was right. Last night, with Caleb, I hadn't been serious. I was being an idiot, like usual, but the look on his face when I asked him was confusing to say the least.

Do you want to kiss me, Caleb?

He just stared—I could see his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed hard—but he just stared. Like he wanted to do it.

Maybe I wanted him to.

Jasper and I always swam in the quarry. It was reckless and dangerous, but so was he. It was what I loved about him. What I love about him. No past tense. My mind kept thinking of him in the former as if he'd died, but I'd know it if he had. I could feel it in my nerves if anything bad had happened to him. It sounded stupid, even to me, but it was the truth. He didn't belong to yesterday.

I came home relatively early last night. Caleb didn't want to go back to the party so he just dropped me off at my house, my hair still dripping. Dad was already in bed when I got there and Maria's light was off, so I tiptoed to my room, leaving a trail of water in my wake, not wanting to bother her if she were asleep, even though it was only midnight. She hadn't spoken to me since we got back. We hadn't crossed paths, actually, but I wasn't sure if it was because of our schedules, or because she was avoiding me.

This morning, I found Maria folding clothes in the laundry room, as the washing machine chugged loudly. I went up to her and grabbed a shirt absentmindedly, careful not to look at her directly.

"Water's back on," I said, hoping to diminish my guilt with pointless small talk.

"Mhmm," was her reply. "So, how was the party?" she asked, focusing on the pair of socks in her hand. She didn't look at me either.

"It was...interesting." I dropped the shirt onto the table, frowning at the frumpiness of my fold compared to Maria's perfect technique.

"Hmm." She nodded. "Was Ansel there?" her question sounded offhand, but there was an edge to her voice that I didn't miss.

"Ansel? Uh, yeah. I think I saw him. Why do you ask?"

"No reason." She turned around to pour some fabric softener into the wash as the water began to run into the machine loudly.

I arched an eyebrow at her. "Wait a minute. Are you and Ansel, like, friends or something?"

"Or something." Her little shoulder lifted slightly and I almost dropped dead right there. I was astounded. So surprised I almost laughed. But Maria didn't look to be in a joking mood. My laugh wouldn't have been very humorous either. I had a morbid tendency to laugh when I was shocked, something that got me in trouble far too often. When my dad's dad died, mom took us into their bedroom to tell us, tears in her eyes. Crocodile tears, but tears nonetheless, and I'd barked out a mad laugh which earned me a stinging slap on the arm.

Maria didn't elaborate before she picked up a basket full of folded laundry and walked out of the room. Hell, no was I going to let Ansel fucking Rosethorn get involved with my little sister. I'd have to talk to Caleb about this, and he had better take care of it.

My midafternoon, I was going crazy being at home. Dad was holed up in his room, working on something for a client, and Maria hadn't left her own room since I saw her this morning. Saturdays, I usually spent with Jasper at his apartment, whenever he was around, and if he wasn't I'd go to the quarry with the guys, but no one seemed to be alive. I'd texted everyone and their mom to hang out and I'd only gotten a text back from Jonah telling me he was out of town. Not even Marlow or Zealand replied. I didn't mind that JD or Pari hadn't answered; they were probably at some nerd convention, geeking out over chess or something.