Not So Normal

Chapter 47

~Elissa~

   Tyler and I spend the whole afternoon at the doctor's office. The doctor told me my body would sort of be in shock for a few days, so I need to take it easy. So much for redecorating. While I was getting myself cleaned up, apparently Tyler called Niall. When Tyler told me Niall hung up on him, I wanted to cry. I need to call Niall, but I can't bring myself to do it. I'll probably do it tonight, but we'll see.

   On the way home, my soft crying is the only sound that is made. I can tell that Tyler doesn't know how to comfort me. We're kind of on edge since neither of us has had to deal with this before. When we get back to the house I go straight up to my room and throw myself onto my bed. At this point I'm sobbing so hard I'm shaking uncontrollably. I'm almost glad that Niall isn't here to see me like this. I wouldn't want him to see me in such a vulnerable and weak state.

   I cry myself to sleep (it seems like I do that a lot, doesn't it?) and when I wake up there's a basket on my nightstand full of chocolate and Oreos and a note from Tyler. I'm so sorry. I hope you feel better. I'm staying over at Jackson's tonight. I figured you could use some space. There's Taco Bell in the fridge for when you're hungry. I'll be back in the morning. ~ Tyler

   I slowly get out of bed and go downstairs to get the Taco Bell stuff. I smile when I find some Doritos Locos tacos and a Baja Blast. Tyler knows me so well. I eat my tacos and drink my Baja Blast and wonder what would be happening if Niall were here with me. I wonder how he's taking the news. I hope he's okay. I really need to talk to him, but he's probably asleep right now. I'll have to call at like 11 so I can give him time to sleep in. I know the guys were flying to Italy for today, but I don't know what time their flight got in.

   I spend the next few hours literally just lying on my bed and staring at my ceiling. I keep my phone in my hand in case Niall or Tyler calls, but I don't look at it. I must have zoned out at some point, because I get snapped into reality when my phone goes off. I look at it and see that it's Lindsey. She doesn't know about the baby yet, so I'll let her be excited about whatever she's calling me about.

   "Hey, what's up?" I ask when I pick up the phone. My voice cracks and I pray that Lindsey doesn't notice it.

   "What's wrong?" she immediately asks.

   "It's nothing. Just tell me what you were going to tell me," I say.

   "Elissa, I'm not going to tell you anything until you tell me what's going on. Does it have to do with Niall? Did he break up with you?"

   "Oh my gosh Lindsey, no! He wouldn't do that to me. It's about the baby."

   "Oh! Is it sick or something?"

   "No," I say quietly.

   "Then what's wrong?"

   "It's gone."

   "What the heck do you mean 'it's gone'?" I can picture using little air quotes. I snap and the tears start streaming down my face again.

   "Lindsey, I had a miscarriage this morning," I whisper. Lindsey gasps and I think she drops her phone. "Lindsey, are you okay?"

   "Am I okay? Me? What about you? Does Niall know?" she shoots off questions until I have to tell her to shut up.

   "Niall knows, but he hung up on Tyler after he told him. I haven't talked to him yet, but I'm going to call him in a bit. I'm definitely not okay right now, but I'm sure I'm be better eventually. My sister died, and now my child has died. I'll make it through somehow," I say, my voice breaking multiple times. I start sobbing again and I feel bad for doing it, but I hang up on Lindsey. She'll understand. I hope.

   I cry and cry and cry. I almost wish Tyler was here so I could have a shoulder to cry on, but I'm glad he's not witnessing this mess. I've always has sensitive emotions, but right now I'm just a complete wreck. But then again, I've never lost my sister and my baby in less than a year, so this is a whole new level of emotional stress for me.

   Eventually it gets late enough that it's a decent time of morning over in Italy, so I decide to call Niall. I know I should probably let him sleep, but this is something that we have to talk about. It's a subject that can't be left untouched, and we both know it. It takes a few rings, but Niall eventually answers.

   "Hey," I say weakly. I hear Niall sigh and then there's a few seconds of silence.

   "Are you okay?" he asks. Now it's my turn to sigh.

   "I'm definitely not okay, but I'm holding on."

   "I'm so sorry that I couldn't be there with you. I sort of... exploded yesterday after Tyler called. I was really mad, and Liam and Harry wouldn't leave me alone so I punched Harry in the face. Zayn got me to calm down, but I had to leave the hotel and have some alone time," Niall tells me. I want to cry for Niall, but I hold back. I didn't think it would have as big of an effect on him as it has on me.

   "I'm sorry, Ni. We're just going to have to get through the next couple months, and then we'll be together for a bit. We just have to make it until then," I say, not really knowing what else to say.

   "I want you to know how hard it is to be away from you right now. I wish so badly that I could just hold you and never let you go. I almost left the guys and flew to LA to see you. I can only imagine how hard this is for you."

   "It sucks, but Niall, I don't want you to spend all your time worrying about me, okay? You need to be happy for the fans. You know everyone, me included, hates seeing you sad. I have good friends. I'll hang on until you're here," I say softly. The last thing I need right now is a stressed out Niall. If he's stressed out, I'll just get more stressed out. And that does not need to happen right now.

   "I know Tyler will be there for you, but I'm still worried. I don't want you to be going through this alone. And I don't want to go through this alone," he says. I think he starts crying, too. Great. Now that Niall's crying, I'm starting to cry.

   "Niall, don't be worried, okay? I'll survive the next two months. It will be awful without you, but I'll manage. I don't want you to be distraught over this like I am."

   We talk for almost an hour before Niall says he's got to go. We say our sad goodbyes and promise to talk again tomorrow. After I hang up I throw my phone to the end of my bed and cry. Of course this had to happen when Niall and I couldn't be together.

   I guess it takes away the stress of telling Niall's management, my parents, and the public. We were planning on telling people in a couple of weeks, but I guess that won't be happening now. I'm not going to tell my mom about this, though. She would be so disappointed in me, and I don't want to deal with that. I just don't want to deal with anything right now. I have to do something to relieve some of the pain and stress.

   I go into my bathroom and strip in front of the mirror. I look at myself in disgust. I quickly look away because I can't stand looking at someone who can't deal with their problems in a normal way. I just had to get stuck with the mindset that I have. And I had to get stuck with the famousness. Don't get me wrong, I love Niall with all my heart and soul, but it sucks being in the spotlight when I'm with him. And I love my job, but it brings so much unwanted stress and attention. And no one can help with any of it.

   I grab a razor from a drawer and step into the shower. I turn on steaming water and get to work. I press the razor into my skin and leave multiple marks. I've never left this many in one day. I add probably 10 cuts to my legs. I stop counting after the tears start flowing at cut number 3.