Not So Normal

Chapter 54

   It's been two days since I kicked Brandon out of my room and I haven't once seen him since. I asked Kyle and Julie where he was, and apparently he asked to be switched into separate groups and to the other meal times. I didn't even know there were other meal times. I know I kind of blew him off, but he can't just do this to me. He'd been my sanity for the last week before he kissed me. I still can't believe he would do that.

   My last two therapy sessions with Melissa have been spent venting about Brandon. Melissa quietly listens while I talk about how we were becoming really good friends and how he kept me from going insane in here. She doesn't even say anything when I tell her how he kissed me and I kicked him out of my room. When I'm done with my venting, she just sits there in silence for a few minutes. Then she'll start telling me about how she told me I shouldn't have gotten so close to him and how I need to be careful in my relations with other people. It's not much help.

   I think I get to get out of here soon, though. Julie was hinting that they were talking about letting me out, even though I know she shouldn't have been. Julie likes me, though, so she always tells me anything that has to do with me. She's my go-to for Briar Rose gossip.

   I sit in my room before bed and think about Brandon. I kind of blame myself for never telling him I'm in a relationship, but he shouldn't have reacted so harshly. I mean, it had been brought up in group therapy that I had been in a relationship. I was pregnant, for crying out loud! Yet he still thought we could have something together. I will never know what goes through the minds of the male population.

   I just hope that he's alright. I know one of the things he came here for was depression, and I fear that he's going to get depressed again and do something to himself. I don't want that to happen because of me. I would hate to be the reason someone hurt themselves.

   My mind drifts to Niall, and I wonder if this is how he feels towards me. Does he constantly worry that I'm going to hurt myself? When he first saw my scars he looked so horrified. After we had sex he traced his fingers along my scars with a sad look in his eyes. Is he terrified that I'm going to kill myself? I wonder how much pain I've caused him. Probably way too much.

   As I drift off into the world of unconsciousness, my mind brings my previous thoughts into my dreams.

   I stand in front of the mirror in Niall's bathroom and watch the tears stream down my face. I can't take this anymore. I need to let the pain out, and there's no one to talk to. The fans have turned on me, and I've been getting so many tweets and stuff saying how awful I am for Niall and how I don't deserve him. They're all right. I've put him through so much that he shouldn't have had to deal with.

   I'm glad he's not home right now. He told me he was hanging out with the guys today, and I told him to have fun. I knew this would be the only time I would have alone so I could do this. I pick up the razor blade and touch it to my wrist. It's been so long since I've done this that the last scars are mostly faded now. I close my eyes and start putting pressure on the blade, bracing myself for the sting of the cut.

   "Elissa! What are you doing?" a voice choke outs. I open my eyes and find Niall standing in the doorway. He looks like he's seen a ghost. I look away, ashamed, and I don't answer him. What could I say to him that justifies this?

   "You can't keep hurting yourself like this," he says, his voice pained. He takes the blade from my hand and sets it down next to the sink. He puts his arm around my waist, but I push him away. I can't do this.

   "You don't understand," I whisper. "It's the only way to let out the pain. And I'm only hurting myself."

   "You think you're only hurting yourself?" he asks. I look up at him, confused, as he picks up the blade from the counter and hands it to me. He holds out his arm and looks at me expectantly.