Song is Inner Demons by Julia Brennan <3
After Friday night, Jett, Eli and I didn't say a word about what we had discussed. It was a silent rule that none of us had mentioned to one another that we should not talk about it. Even so, Jett seemed a little different than he was before Friday. He was still hotheaded and impulsive but there was something different about him that I couldn't quite put my finger on.
"How was your date with Eli then?" Asked Robin curiously at the lunch table the following Monday.
"It went well." I replied. "I enjoyed it, actually."
"Wow, I'm proud of you Eli. You actually had a good date." Robin smiled at him but Eli wasn't really listening, he just nodded silently.
"So how was your weekend?" I asked, changing the subject.
"The usual, I guess." Robin stated.
"I hung out with him." Elliot said, nodding his head to Nick.
"Yep. He can't keep away from me." Nick answered, winking mischievously, causing Elliot to blush.
I then turned my head to Lindsay's usual spot but she wasn't there. In fact, I hadn't seen her all day.
"Lindsay is having a detention in maths as she's falling behind." Robin noticed me looking for her.
"Can't you help her catch up?" I ask, remembering how good he was at completing my homework for me.
"Even I don't have the patience to teach that girl. Have you seen her in maths?"
"She's never in maths."
"Exactly my point." He rolled his eyes.
I laughed, surprising everyone as I didn't laugh often. Today though, I felt a little more happier than usual. I think the others had noticed this too as they looked at me without any sadness in their eyes. Although I hadn't mentioned anything, I think they knew that there was something wrong with me but they just didn't know what exactly was the issue.
Later that day, I found myself walking with Eli to his house again. He and his mother had both told me that I was free to go there whenever and however long I liked. So obviously I took the opportunity to go there as frequently as possible because I really didn't feel like going home.
We walked straight upstairs into his room where I sat in his chair, sighing tiredly. He sat on his bed, looking at me as I lazed around.
"Ash." He said suddenly. "You seem a lot better now than last Friday."
I looked up, noticing the serious expression on his face. I agreed with him, I felt happier than before. Maybe it was because I wasn't as lonely as I was a few weeks back.
"I am, I guess." I say finally.
"Then you've found your will to live now?" He asks, leaning forwards in earnest, his eyes as large as saucers.
"I'm not sure." I reply honestly. "You guys are amazing, you really are but is that enough to change someone's opinion on the fact that they want to die?"
"Oh." Was all he said, his shoulders slumping as he hung his head in disappointment.
I sighed. "I'm sorry, it's just for so long I've been alone. My thoughts of suicide were my only friends in the roughest times of my life. A week isn't going to change that."
"Then why can't you stay alive for me?" Eli snaps, angry out of nowhere. His calm demeanour had disappeared from view and was replaced by this angry young man in front of me. "Why, Ash? Do you know what it would do to me if you gave up now?!"
"Eli-"
"No, listen to me. I can't live with the fact that you would be dead and there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening. Please, just tell me what I can do to change your mind, I'll do anything I possibly can."
"You can't help me, Eli." I said gently. "You can't stop my parents from hating me or my dad from hitting me. You can't just be nice to me for a week and expect all that stuff to go away. It doesn't happen in real life."
"I know I can't." He replied quietly in defeat. "But I can try to make you forget about it for a while, to make you happy at every opportunity I can get. If I could do that, it would make me the happiest person alive to know that I could help you forget about your problems for a while."
I smiled sadly and shook my head, feeling the tears well up in my eyes. He didn't understand that simply trying to make someone happy wouldn't cure their depression and it wouldn't cure their thoughts of suicide. Yes, it would put it at bay for a little while but eventually, all those terrible thoughts and feelings would come back.
He then placed his head in his hands and let out a sigh.
"I'm sorry Eli." I muttered after a while in silence. "I should never have let you get involved in my life."
"No, that was me. I wanted to save you. I was the one that made you get down from the bridge and told you to come in on that Monday. I got myself involved and honestly? I would never change that. I would do it again if I got the chance because I don't regret any of it." He answered, his face still hidden from my sight.
"I could never do anything that would be equal to what you've done for me. I don't know how I can ever repay you."
"I know a way." He said, looking up at me with a determined look set in his eyes. "Live for me, Ash. Don't kill yourself."
"You and I both know I can't do that." I replied.
"You can. You want a way to repay me? Then there it is. And who knows? Maybe whilst doing that you'll find your will to live."
There was no stopping him now.
"There's already one reason why I would want to live." I chuckled humourlessly.
He watched as I tore out a blank page of my sketch book and started writing on it.
"What's that?" He questioned.
Ash Winter's List of Reasons why it's good to be alive:
Elijah Barnes.
"It's my list of reasons to be alive. At least if I feel upset I can look at this list now and be reminded of why being alive is a good thing." I smile, showing him my list.
After reading it, he also smiles. "Then let's find many more reasons why you should be alive, Miss Winters."
