Lego House / jicheol

From Lee, Who Doesn't Matter

Seungcheol,

Hi. Kung nababasa mo 'to sana naman mag-isa ka lang. Hindi naman kasi kailangan mo talagang mapag-isa sa oras na mabasa mo 'to. It's not that important really, nor does it require your full attention. Kasi, isa lang naman 'tong hamak na sulat mula sa isang taong ni hindi nga masyadong importante sa'yo hindi ba? 

I'm sorry, that was a bad start. Pero ano bang silbi ng magagandang intro kung hindi naman magiging maganda ang kahahantungan nito, hindi ba? We had thoughts like that, naalala mo pa ba? 'Yon mga random musings natin at lahat ng kabitter-an mo sa hatinggabi? Palagi na lang ako ang pinagsasabihan mo ng mga bagay na 'to kahit ayokong makinig kasi alam ko namang puro pagpapakabitter ang sinasabi mo. You defended yourself, saying that's not you being a sour puss but the world being one and you were just commenting on the whole thing. 

Maybe. But that still made you a sour puss for noticing. 

Pero 'yon nga. Sana mag-isa ka lang kahit na hindi importante 'tong sulat na 'to mula sa hindi namang importanteng tao sa buhay mo. I'm just Jihoon after all. I'm just someone you met and worked with because you had. Someone who managed to witness how hard you've worked and how lame you are at times because we were forced to be together, cramped up inside a small practice room to improve ourselves and to one day make our dreams come true. Hindi naman ako gaanong importante Seungcheol. Hindi naman sa ngayon ko lang napansin. Matagal na. Ayoko lang talagang aminin sa sarili ko na wala rin naman pala akong importansya sa'yo. I mean I'm just a friend, I can never be more. Though that's just me being a sour puss about it but I can't help but think I'm such a huge idiot for believing all of those things you did to me meant anything more than you being just a caring friend and an affectionate hyung. 

Hindi naman sa umasa ako. Hindi ako umasa. Naniwala ako, 'yon ang mas masaklap Choi. 

Naniwala akong ako lang. Naniwala akong may kakaiba sa'kin na nakita mo. Naniwala akong kakaiba ka. Naniwala akong pwede. 

I believed in an emotion I thought I felt from you. I believed in a fake emotion. Akala ko naging importante ako sa'yo, I believed I mattered to you even just one bit. That faith, that trust I had turned into courage. So I confessed, in a song. Pinaghandaan kong mabuti 'yong kantang 'yon, pinagpuyatan, ilang beses inulit, ilang beses ni-arrange para maging kaaya-aya sa'yo at para mailarawan nito ang lahat ng gusto kong sabihin sa'yo. I even asked opinions from my most trusted friends: Bumzu hyung, Doogi hyung, Soonyoung, Seungkwan and Vernon. Kung okay na ba? Ano pa ba ang kulang? Magugustuhan mo ba? I did all of that for you. 

I should've known such effort would go to waste. Sana hindi na lang ako nag-aksaya ng panahon n'on. Sana ibinigay ko na lang ang lahat ng focus ko at dedication sa mga kanta natin gaya ng palagi kong ginagawa. Sana hindi na lang akong nag-abalang kumuha ng sapat na tapang para sabihin sa'yo ang nararamdaman ko.

Kasi tinatawanan mo lang ako. After that you told me I may have been to tired to mix my feelings. 

Gan'on? Too tired? Sa tingin mo itong pagmamahal ko sa'yo dulot lang ng pagod ko? I wanted to laugh then, yes sure, I love you but this is just because I'm tired. Bukas paggising, mawawala rin 'tong pagmamahal ko gaya ng pagod, ganun? You think that was funny, didn't you? You didn't take my effort, my courage seriously. You just shrugged it off and rubbed my head as if I'm a silly little kid and told me to go to bed. 

Idiot. 

I was an idiot. 

Of course all my efforts would go to waste. Nothing good comes out of effort. Either hindi maaappreciate ang ginawa mo, o makakalimutan lang din agad. Idiot. Of course that's how it will go. Why would I think it'll go differently with you? Kasi naniwala akong ikaw na? Kasi naniwala akong kaya mo ring suklian ang lahat ng nararamdaman ko para sa'yo?

'Yon talaga e. Naniwala ako. Kaya ako nagkamali. 

Kaya ako nagkamali sa'yo. 

You know, I don't linger on failures too much. Sa tagal ko rito sa kinalalagyan ko, nasanay na akong madapa, masugatan at magkamali. It's hard most of the time, but so far, I've figured out how to stand on my own eventually, get up and shrug it all off to continue where I left off. Natuto akong tumingin sa mga scars na nakuha ko mula sa mga pagkakamaling 'yon para ipaalala sa'kin ang sakit at pait ng pagkakamali. That way I won't fail again. That way I would be forever reminded why I don't trust, why I don't believe. Cause I would always end up with a scar I'm forced to carry for a long time, maybe forever. 

I don't linger on failures, Seungcheol. Kilala mo ko. Pero hindi ko maipagkakailang ang pagkahulog ko sa'yo ang siyang may pinakamasakit na sugat at pinakamatagal na naghilom.

I don't think it's healed by now. Not when I still catch you giving me weirded looks from a far, and feeling you slowly walk away from me whenever I inch slowly next to you. It's like whenever I managed to stand, you push me off again, shove me back again to the ground I fell on and turn your back as if you didn't hurt me again for the nth time. 

Am I really that unimportant to you to not - even just acknowledge my feelings for you? Am I that disgusting to you? Gross? Hindi ko alam kung ano ang tumatakbo sa isip mo. Pero siguro nga ganun. 

Idiot. 

I'm really an idiot, aren't I? Inaamin ko na kahit halos isampal na sa mukha ko ang katotohanang ayaw mo talaga, at hindi talaga posible, naniniwala pa rin ako. Haha. Naniniwala pa rin ako na baka isang araw bumalik ang mga kakaibang tingin mo para sa'kin, bumalik ang mga ngiti mo sa'kin. I believed your clinginess towards me will come around one day, maybe you'll realized I'm the same cuddly Jihoonie you onced adored back then. Naniniwala akong baka isang araw, ako naman.

Ako naman hyung. Ako naman ulit. 

Pero sino ba naman ang niloloko ko? Even the fans have noticed. Everyone has noticed. And I find myself on the same painful spot when you first laughed at my song. 

D'on na nagsink in sa'kin ang lahat ng katangahan ko. 

I'm no one. Nothing. I don't matter to you at all. But that's fine. At least I know Jeonghan hyung does. 

So guess what, Seungcheol. Ayoko na. 

Bahala ka na sa buhay mo. Hindi na ako aasa. Hindi na ako hihingi. Hindi na ako lalapit. Hindi na ako susubok. Hindi na ako aasa. 

Hindi na ako maniniwala. 

Love whoever you want to love. I'm done caring.

I'm done believing.

In the end I'm just Lee who doesn't matter right? I'm technically no one so my opinion, feelings, existence won't probably matter anyway. 

Hyung, ayoko na. Malaya ka na. Tama na. 

Lee

"F-Fuck ang basa na ng p-papel fuck."