Notes From The Underground

CHAPTER TEN

Is time supposed to pass by as quick as it does for me? Everyone always complains about things being slow, time passing slow. While the world around me is slow, time seems to go by insanely quick to the point where I lose track of my surroundings. Well, sometimes it's slow. It depends on what's happening to me at the time. 

Maybe it's because of the company I keep, keeps my thoughts occupied long enough for time to pass by without the world seeming drawn out. Or maybe it's because my thoughts race so much to the point my sense of time syncs up with them. It could be many many reasons, thinking about it now. Whatever the reason may be, I'm thankful.

As time goes on, it's getting closer to the summer. Soon enough I'll be out of school, and I can't tell if it's a good thing or not. I rely on school to get me out of the house and keep me from snapping, that's why I always hated summers as a kid. Being at the house too long frustrates me and I get angry even quicker than I already do. Lousy excuse really, I get mad easy over being pent up in the house. Excuses are like assholes, everyone's got one. That's a favorite quote of mine.

I'm quick to get mad, I'll never deny that. But I will also come up with every excuse under the sun to never take the blame for my actions. I can't take responsibility unless it'll benefit me. I've never claimed to be a good person, but I will fake it to the best of my ability. Although, one can only hold up a front for so long. So yeah, I'll admit it. I cannot stand who I am, and I'll change myself for anybody and everybody that will believe of thin lie. But in all reality, I'm a broken human being, and I will never take the blame. Even when I am the one at fault. What can I say? I'm not who I make myself out to be.

You have a fairly decent idea of who I am as a person, as much as I'm willing to share with you at least. I've been more honest with total strangers, you, than I have with near anyone else in my life. Other than maybe Kendall. I'm a liar I'll admit, and even though I'm telling the truth, you'll never believe it based off that confession. That's how it typically works, hence why no one knows I'm a liar other than Kendall. But the thing is about Kendall, you can't lie to a liar.

Unless you're like me, you'll never understand that last statement. When you try to lie to someone who also lies, they see through it like glass. Most often, they won't call you out on it until you get close. When you get close, then you both let down that wall and become open. You can stay friends with your people easier than anyone else, you can trust them better, talk to them easier. The only issue for me, is my people are difficult to find. Who knows though, in the future I could meet more.

There's two type of my people, I'd like to think. There's the first, people like Kendall and I who make connections with one another and bust down the walls. Naturally we stay reserved in the regards we don't even trust ourselves with, but nearly everything else we share. The other type of our people, remain deceitful even with those exactly like them, afraid to break down that wall. If I was to ever meet one of those people, I'd avoid them at all costs. Because I'd let them in, get nothing in return, and be hurt the way I've hurt so many others. I refuse to be the victim of my own game.

It's kind of sick that I think that way, refusing to be on the other end of my own twisted game. You'd think that if I was to know what it was like, maybe I'd change my ways. But the ironic and sickest art of it all, is I don't really have any desire to change, so I have no need for that experience. It would be pointless pain for myself, and that isn't exactly something I need in my life. Especially not with how great everything has been going for me in the recent months.

I've been with Kendall, romantically, officially, for nearly six months. It may not seem that long, but we had been acting like a couple long before, so I think of us as having been together much longer. But according to a rather large team of doctors and psychiatrists, I am delusional.