Notes From The Underground

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

I have nothing to say, I'm lost inside my own head day to day. I hardly speak, I move to eat and do basic life necessities. It's been five months since I was told I was to be a father. I never thought that when i heard that news, it would downfall my entire life. I always assumed I would be hearing it enough in life I would be ready and settled down with the right woman, instead of the woman I mistook for the right woman.

Something in her head is fighting, it's breaking. Something in my head is crying, holding onto hope, driven by trivial things. We are each as zombies in our day to day life. When we speak, we yell, when we do not speak, we are reserved or having sex. There is no in between. Looking in the mirror I see bags heavy under my eyes, my hair is messed up, I haven't bathed in two weeks. I can't find energy too, I'm slipping into silence.

Silence about my feelings, silence about my hatred, about my doubt, about my fear. I'm being forced into staying silent when I do not wish to be. I am powerless, I am a weak man. I am slipping into well hidden yet deep seeded anger. I'm shutting down, my cognitive functions dying, my reflexes slowed, my thoughts still I'm drowning in something I cannot identify. It would be almost pleasant if it didn't reek of rotting flesh, and make your gut sink in the feeling of failure and hatred.

My shirt is the same shirt I've been wearing for a month, I haven't done laundry or even really moved off the couch other than to grab a beer or urinate. Kendall stays in our room, she complains about pregnancy issues but I've learned to drown her out. The sound of her voice drives me crazy. Her voice makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

I tell myself i still love her, I force myself to believe it and so I do. So I stay. So I refuse to leave her side, because I must be the bigger person. I must be here for my fiance, for my child. I must step up as a father and husband. The idea makes me want to vomit, but it is what I am going to have to do. I just do not like it. No. I fear it.

I lean forward, my head hitting the mirror softly. The room is silent, no noise in the house it seemed. My mother was in her room, Kendall was in mine, ours, Seth was at work. I hated the silence. When it was quiet, I fought with myself.

In my head, I was just as much a zombie as I was in behavior. No one could tell what was in my head, the look in my eyes gave you the expression of the dead. My appearance reeked of failure and lonesomeness. Yes, I was someone who anyone could tell was suffering. But I had to suck it up, I was determined to do the right thing.

I wanted to be there for my son, for my wife. I was staring at my reflection, the color of my eyes grayer than before. The bright blue had turned white in the middle, foggier than it had been. My whole demeanor was changing, I was sinking. I couldn't tell you what it was, I can tell you what it felt like. Things were getting bad. 

It felt like I was on the verge of suffocating, she was the one thing keeping me breathing until she wasn't. I was struggling, going insane in anger and rage I had harbored due to what was happening. It felt like she was watching me burn, okay with it because it meant she was getting what she wanted. She wanted what was easy. Someone to take care of her and a reason for him to stay, and she had both.

It felt like everything i had wanted to avoid, the suffering I had hoped to never be put through was beginning. Like something was already bad, but it was going to keep getting worse and worse until I could no longer fight back. She wanted that, she wanted me to break so I would never leave. She was becoming someone I had never wanted to see her become, she has become someone I cannot believe I am to marry. She has become a she devil. I think I made her, too. 

EDITED