Notes From The Underground

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Getting involved with people like me, in a sense, isn't the best idea. If you want to be around a soul that refuses to be saved, that's your choice, but it is not a good one. I have a history of dragging people down, per se. Every parent I've known, has referred to me as the bad influence friend.

In elementary school, believe it or not, I had friends other than Kendall. I didn't even know her yet. I had a small circle of kids I was friends with, we hung out at recess frequently. I was always the friend talking them into eating worms, playing kiss tag with the girls, cursing, all the stuff parents don't want their friends teaching their kids. As you can imagine, this did not bode well for me or my social circle.

As I got older, I mellowed out a little. I wasn't anything terrible, I was reserved. I still had my bad side, however. Any time a person decided to be friends with me, it ended terribly because when alone with someone, my bad influence side came out ten fold.

Once I met Kendall, it got even worse. Especially when we were younger, more eager to be bad and play pranks and just generally be asshat's that not many people wanted to be around. Me and Kendall soon became the Fantastic Duo, we were always together when we were like 14-15, much like we are now. But the difference is, back then, if we were together, it was double trouble, and every knew to run. She alway had friends though, a few misfits here and there. I was just kind of in her corner. I was number one though, her number one. 

We went through a phase where pulling pranks was our niche. We would set up unnatural disasters everywhere we went, trouble followed us like a clingy girlfriend. I would say, yes, she worsened me as a person, she got me into things I shouldn't be into, but in the end it was worth it. I don't think I regret meeting her, that would be stupid to say as it's not true. It's a sin to tell a lie, even if you're not religious.

Once Kendall came around, as you know, not many other people mattered to me. Many people I had known had slowly detached from me, growing unimportant. Or at least, not nearly as important as she was. I followed her like a lovestruck puppy until eventually, I was completely alone aside from her. I was willing to cast the rest of the world aside to be with her, and it seems that's exactly what I've done. I can't figure out if it was the right move.

Isolation is something many humans tend to do when they're overwhelmed. Whilst most people are socially driven, including myself, isolation is still our natural reaction to stress. In my case, I had found someone almost exactly like me, someone who burned through to my very soul. I met someone who was me, in all the wrong ways, in all the best ways, and in all the opposite ways. So, instead of self isolating, I did it with her. She was so much like me, it was just as if I had been alone, but with warm company and love. 

I got myself into somewhat of a mess that way, though, it seems. I have made a promise to marry her, she's carrying my child, and I'm going mad. The feeling of wanting to run is something I have never felt so strongly before. Maybe when I was young, and the violence was still against me in my home, maybe then I had felt this. I had forgotten the feeling, I suppose.

I could pack my bags, get on a plane, change my name to Javier, and never be seen or heard from again. That's what my mind is telling me to do, my gut is telling me to do, but that isn't what I can do. I have to be an adult, I'm realizing that. Once I have this kid, once my birthday passes, I'm an adult. What seemed like a safe haven is down my worst nightmare.

I was 18, almost 19, being a dad was the last thing I wanted. Yes, I did want to be a parent someday, but not so young. I have lived a life many would both envy, and never wish upon their worst enemy. Yet, it isn't enough. I want to see more of life, and I know children will stop me. So why do I want to run? Because I want to be able to live still.