Notes From The Underground

CHAPTER NINETEEN

My 18th birthday passes. I don't feel any different, really. Age really is nothing of importance, to me anyways. I can legally buy cigarettes now, in the U.K. I could drink. I'm old enough to move out, closing in on graduating. I stayed up all night, I couldn't sleep. My pregnant fiance was close to bursting, on her last few weeks of pregnancy now. She was unable to move mobily because of her swollen stomach, so it made her even more so incapacitated, and depend on me even more. She was finally sleeping, the sun coming up in front of me. I made tradition out of this, watching the sun come up and slowly drinking myself to sleep. Sure, it wasn't a good way to cope. But it allowed me to sleep most of the day, and drown my sorrows for a short while. 

I know I seem quite adamant on staying, it may seem rather silly to you as well. The situation practically screams GET OUT, does it not? But even so I choose to stay and you all are probably, just probably, wondering why. I've mentioned why before, yes yes I have. But were you paying attention? If not, I will tell you again.

I simply need to stay, I must stay, because I want to go down as a good man. A good man, takes care of his family no matter what, feeds them and puts a roof over their head and stays with them through thick and thin. There are very, very few good men left in this world. I wish to be seen as one of them, because deep deep down, I know I am not one. 

I am a man who treats his girl like shit, hypocritically insulting her for treating me like shit. This was all when I still cared though. I reject the idea of my own child, I drink and eat hydrocodone like candy, and everything is only going to get worse.

That is an opinion of course, I'm sure some of you may interpret me quite differently. I bet some of you think I'm brave, or some of you think I'd be a good match for them. Some of you probably think I am the scum of the earth. No matter your opinion of me, however, it does not change the fact that since I am writing, my word is law. I chose and select what I share with you. Thus, I deem myself, not a good man.

Due to this fact, I am guilted into wanting to be one, granted that the opportunity is placed in front of me. It is part of my own selfishness, I believe, Wanting to be seen as something I'm not, so maybe I'll be remembered fondly. It is likely I will not be remembered at all except by very few, which is alright. I am not meant to be seen, I am the side of the world that we ignore. I wear the title proudly.

Being the world's reject gives you time to think, time to understand that at the very, very least, you're not blind. To many things, yes you still are. And yet we still understand far more than them. We do not allow ourself to be blinded by what the world wants us to see. In many ways, being able to see the world as it is, is amazing. It gives you outlook, it helps you understand, it helps you see why you're where you're at. But at the same time, the old saying does say, ignorance is bliss.

Or, ignorance is bullshit. 

Would it be better? No doubting it, I would be much happier. Being smart makes you more prone to depression, when you see the world as is, you realize how sad it really is. It tolls on you. Depression takes a toll, but happiness is free. So why wouldn't I want the happier route? Why wouldn't I dream of it? We all wanna be happy, I think.

But then, watching the sun rise, it hit me. Sure, I had drank a bottle of vodka and a half a twelve pack within an hour, the colors were blurred from my vision, and I wasn't even sure if my name was Gabe, but it hit me. For people like me, it is not the goal to be happy. No, being happy is the impossible for us. It always will be, it is something we must understand. What we must aim for, is being at peace with our lives. I had a faint sense of this before, but in that very moment, it became fact. 

Sure, I'm an arrogant hurtful, cynical bastard who plays the victim card too often. I've never taken responsibility for a god damn thing in my life. That fact that I'm doing it now is o short of a miracle. I may love Kendall, but I don't like her. This child, this fucking fetus would be better off dead. I'm pissed off at the world and making it known.