I'm running on coffee and gas station energy pills.
Right now she slept. She lay on her back on my couch, her legs on the armrest and her head on the other end. Her stomach was huge. I loathed what lay inside. Perhaps it was sick, to hate my own child with such ferocity. To never have even held said child and already wish it the worst life has to offer. I suppose, though, I am not what you would consider a sane man.
I was tossing a hackey sack into the air, catching it and staring at her. She was beautiful still, her skin glowed, her hair tousled and her eyes darkened from lack of sleep. She looked almost as angelic as the Kendall I fell in love with. I chuckled quietly, shaking my head. Too bad she's not still that girl.
She did look beautiful, she had gained weight during the pregnancy, this much was obvious. She had new weird rashes and bumps and complains and sore spots. But she was still the girl I love. She would never be again, I do not think. It was putting a pit in my heart, I had not known it. But seeing the one I love destroy herself and I, to the point I cannot love her the same as I had before, was one of the worst things to ever happen to me. Feeling lonely and trapped, is not a feeling I would even wish on my worst enemy.
I was to marry her, I was to play perfect dad with poise and expertise forever until the day I die. I was to play the part to my best abilities, lie and pretend to be the person I needed to be. That is what I had set myself up for, and as I lay back in the chair I sat and closed my eyes, I realized I had accepted it as well.
Or maybe, all the narcotics in my system were just dulling everything. My mother was so easy to steal from, they became my comfort. I was repressing things, not dealing with them. I wouldn't change that though.
Not many would sacrifice their whole life, not to mention their happiness, just to keep someone else happy. I had given up hope that I could have a sense of peace at this point. I willing let myself, and my family get dragged down. The minute I proposed, my first thought was "I shouldn't be doing this." Yet, I did it anyways. What good it did me. What good it did her.
EDITED
YOU ARE READING
Notes From The Underground
Ficção AdolescenteI'm here to take responsibility for my actions. I was lost in love, in sex, in a future with no hope. I became lost and afraid, I became empty and alone. I expected her to stay, I was a fool really. I spent days crying over this filth. Do with it wh...
