Just Random Stuff

Rant #1

People don't believe me when I tell them how I feel. Some people, when I've said anything about it, don't believe me when talking about LGBTQ+ things, because I've changed how I feel. Apparently, I forced myself to change into what I wanted, to be different, and to have a reason to be depressed, have anxiety, things like that. They say I want attention. I changed my identity, to fit with how I feel. At first, I said I was a cis, gay woman (makes me feel sick writing that). Now, I would identify myself as a trans, gay man. I changed to fit how I feel, and what I called myself is my business, so tell me I'm wrong, but I won't believe you. 

Of course, I say I won't believe you, but there's always a little doubt in my mind, because of what you say to me. Call me not this enough, not that, too much of this. You make me feel like that, and it sucks. I'm not here to rant about that, I'm here to say that people don't believe me. 

It hurts me greatly when people say they don't believe me. Hurts me so much. They call me a liar, along with other things I have no intention of sharing, with anyone. So don't ask. You don't make it better by knowing, just forget about it. 

People also don't believe me when I say I find myself stupid, an idiot, useless, things like that. They tell me not to worry, what they're worse. That doesn't make me feel any better, it just makes me feel worse, to be honest. So yeah, for future reference, don't say that to me. 

Another thing to do with that sort of subject; when you tell me that you're upset and I try to help, don't then say that I'm not helping, that I'm being useless. I understand that that is making you feel better, but it just makes me feel worse. The majority of the time, when someone talks to me, I'm already feeling like shit. It isn't always that person's fault, it's many just because I have bad thoughts, someone said something to me, or I'm feeling body dysmorphia (btw I feel dymorphia all the time, some times are just better then others). 

So yeah, people don't believe me when I tell them certain things. Those things also include the amount of anxiety I have, when I have it, and how bad it is. I try my hardest, to keep any anxiety I feel, because it makes me seem weak. It makes me seem like I can't handle myself, and it makes me feel pathetic. I get scared easily, but because I'm the oldest in my group, and one of the most maturest, I feel like I can't show my emotions, especially ones that ain't happy. 

Hiding all these emotions from people everyday can be extremely difficult. So naturally, I will sometimes have breakdowns. I tend to have a small breakdown every night. After reading something, with nothing to do with how I'm feeling, or watching something, again, that shouldn't be triggering, I will break down. This normally involves quite ugly crying, and not being able to breath properly. When these things happen, I have different things downloaded onto my phone to listen to and calm me down. These things include Dan (Daniel Howell) playing the piano, Dan and Phil just simply talking, or a Dan Howell inspiring, relaxing, calming video. These things, what they say, how it sounds, even just their voices, calm me down.

So I get those small breakdowns most nights, but then I also get really big breakdowns, where I can't stop crying for ages, sometimes hours into the night, when nothing except going to sleep will calm me down. Sometimes, in these massive breakdowns, I don't cry very much, but I still cry for hours, feel like so much shit, but these don't happen very often. These big breakdowns occur maybe once every fortnight, maybe more. However, if something especially bad has happened that day and the past days, then I will experience a bad one. 

Yes. I do experience depression, anxiety, body dysmorphia. I am a boy. I am gay. And I am trans. 
I might be a wreck, but I am what I am. I do stay up late, not by choice. You see these people, proud that they stayed up late, announcing it for everyone to hear. But I do stay up late, wishing I could go to sleep, just like that. Wishing that I didn't have to go places, and pretend to not be tired. 

But whatever. Night, I'll be up for another few hours, it's only midnight, so ya know. Maybe at 4am, I'll fall asleep. Just maybe. Goodnight.