Friday 12/24/13
Scott had left that morning and we hadn't spoken since. I was still utterly heartbroken and could barely function. Avi was extremely comforting and empathetic about the entire situation.
It was Christmas Eve and I had invited all my closest friends over for a Christmas Eve party. It was Kirstie's idea and she had planned most of it but she gave all the credit to me.
Kirstie, Jeremy, Avi, Kevin, and I were all waiting for Alex and Jake to come so when we heard the door knock I wasn't surprised.
I rushed over to the door excited to see them but that excited feeling immediately disappeared when I saw the two men in uniform. My heart started racing and everything felt like it went in slow motion.
The men were speaking to me but I couldn't hear what they were saying. They handed me his dog tags and a small folded up piece of paper. They started to leave and I felt my legs go out.
I heard a muffled version of the sob that escaped my mouth. I clutched onto the paper and tags holding them to my chest. I felt the presence of my friends surrounding me but I didn't acknowledge them, the pain was too great.
My heart felt like it had been stabbed over and over and over again. After what felt like forever I calmed my sobs down enough to look at the things in my hands.
The dog tags spelled out his name and rank. I pressed them to my lips shakily before moving to the note.
Dear Mitchie,
God, you were the love of my life. I can't believe I was stupid enough to choose something as lame as "fighting for your country" over you. I was obsessed with this idea that I was only worth something if I was fighting for my country. I was more obsessed with this stupid idea than I was with you. But god, were you a close second. You were my happiness Mitch and I'm so fucking sorry I threw you away. I'm sorry for signing up in the first place. I'm sorry for missing your graduation and not being about to protect you from that scum of the earth. I'm sorry for spending a year without seeing you. I'm sorry for not saying goodbye twice. I'm sorry for going to Italy instead of spending the week with you. I'm sorry for resigning without talking to you first because god knows I wouldn't have chosen to resign. It was the worst decision of my life if I couldn't be with you anymore. Not a week after being resigned they had my troop be the decoy. Which means we go out and we're not supposed to come back. It's a suicide mission. So that's why I'm writing this because I needed to tell you all the things I should have said when I was alive. God Mitch I love you so much and I'm so sorry everything turned out this way but I want you to move on. I want you to meet someone new and fall for them harder than you fell for me. I want you to live the perfect life you want because that's what you deserve. You deserve the world and more Mitch, always remember that. Remember that you are beautiful and gorgeous and perfect just the way you are. Don't let anyone tell you that you're not because that's a lie. You are perfect in every single way and I'm so lucky to have had you in my life for as long as it lasted.
I love you forever, Scottie.
I never got a proper goodbye and now he was gone forever.
